


SECOND DAY ON THE JOB AT THE POLICE STATION

by Holy_Leonards



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse), Blair Witch (Video Game 2019), Conan - Robert E. Howard, Silent Hill (Video Game Series)
Genre: Anal Beads, Anal Sex, Arrest, Bisexual Characters, Breaking Up & Making Up, Buddy Cop Drama, Cheesy Romantic Gifts, Crack, Cranes, Cum Faucet, Cupcakes, Custom Cars, Drug Use, F/M, Farting, Fast Food, Gratuitous Musical References, Hair Pulling, Homework Hut, Incest Conspiracy, Jacket Fight, Jealousy, Job Interviews, M/M, Melee Combat, Metalhead Zombies, Multi, Oral Sex, Pearl Necklace, Pocket Cranes, Poetry reading, Premature Ejaculations, Sundae Parties, Swimsuits, Time Travel, Very Light Spanking, Washing Machine Masturbation, Wenching, Wizards, Yonic Dick Sheaths, Zombie Ritual, episodic, initiation ceremonies, sword and sorcery, thrusting, tragic backstories, zoo!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-06-09 18:38:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19481704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holy_Leonards/pseuds/Holy_Leonards
Summary: Leon Kennedy and Mr. X team up to fight crime and take names.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It speaks for itself (unlike me).

In Raccoon City, after the ‘event’, two unlikely men teamed up to earn a better pay check. Leon Kennedy (no relation to Camelot) and Mr. X (He’s so formal not even he knows his first name). Together, they have forged a legal document that was witnessed by at least two other uninterested parties that binds them together to perform cop-like activities for the betterment of the Raccoon city citizens. 

It was Tuesday, a balls hot Tuesday. 6 AM sharp the twain entered the police department, Leon in cop uniform, Mr. X in full Mr. X garb. They sit down opposite each other at the desk and stare.

“What should we do today?” asked cute little Leon. He still has his baby fat from when he was on his first day on the job, but you guys all know how that ended up, right? 

Mr. X nods toward the three folders that sit upon the desk: “Random Cannibal Mystery #11,” “Barry Burton: Sex Machine At Large,” and “Placeholder.”

“Gee, I don’t know X, they all sound kind of hard.”

Mr. X placed his ~manly fist~ on the ‘Cannibal’ folder. 

“Is that what you want to do?”

Mr. X nodded and then quickly moved his fist to his hat to make sure it does not fall to the floor.

“I don’t know where to go from here, big guy.” the little Kennedy looked all confused.

Mr. X reached over the desk and lifted Leon up onto his shoulders. He made sure to scoop up the folder and they made their way to the garage. 

The garage was still being repaired from the REDACTED incident. There was not a car present except for the Kennedy-Style Roadster, a car which was like a normal four door car, except for the passenger side was convertible. Mr. X put Leon down and strode over to the passenger side to take his seat. His upper half stood a good foot above the roof of the car as he sat. Leon fired up the engine and they took off.

The traffic was light that day, which was common since the REDACTED incident. Mr. X gripped his hat with one hand and held up the map to the area provided by the police department. They made it to the location with great haste, the bottom of the car kicking up sparks from the great taxation of Mr. X. 

The building that they had to investigate was a small apartment building in the middle of the city. The block that it occupied had received little damage from the REDACTED event and housed people that were returning from their unwanted vacations. 

Leon and Mr. X approached the door. Mr. X gave a soft knock that reverberated throughout the entire block. There were screams from inside and a man who had clearly lost his razor answered the door.

“What do you two folks want?” The rough man said while getting spit all over Leon’s face.

“Police! Open Open!” Leon yelled as he raised both his badge and his gun.

“Easy there!” The man yelled and he closed the door.

Mr. X took Leon’s gun and pushed the door open. He gestured to the man in such a way that he told him that Leon was new and that he got a little excited.

“That’s okay. We all have a first day on the job.”

“Actually it is my second.”

The man took no heed and motioned them to follow him.

“You two cops must be looking for old One Eye’d Willy’s apartment. That’s the only place I could think of that would get cop attention.”

“So you’ve heard about the cannibalism that went on here?” Leon asked with wide eyes.

“Jesus Christ, there’s a cannibal!?”The man screamed and ran out into the street. Mr. X scowled at Leon. He gripped the little cop’s hand and dragged him upstairs to the apartment. Luckily, the number was written in the police folder that Mr. X skimmed. 

When they entered the apartment, Mr. X sat in the nearest chair, threw Leon over his knee, and spanked the newbie as light as he could.

“Ow, Oh, Geez, Waaah, Why?”

Mr. X gave him the ‘you shouldn’t give civilians too much information’ look.

“Sorry, Mr. X.”

He signed ‘apology accepted’ and stood Leon up. 

They both took a good long look around the overly messy and highly police taped apartment. Only three rooms: kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom. On the bed was a gory pile.

Mr. X took a step towards the bed and then disappeared in a loud crash. His great density had caused him to sink to the basement. Leon let out a curse and moved to the bed himself, avoiding the gaping and wanting hole in the middle of the room.

When he reached the bed with its overly graphic occupant, he let out a retch of relief. It was not as gross as he thought it would look. Actually, it looked a lot like the stuff he saw on his first day. 

“Call the department and tell them we need to talk to the witnesses.” Leon yelled down the hole to his partner. Mr. X signed loudly that they had to find witnesses to question.

“Damn, that’s right.”

Leon sat on the bed next to the evidence and thought long and hard about who they would need to question. First, the guy who answered the door. Second, probably Leon’s therapist Mr. Hannibal Lecter. The rest he would let Mr. X find.

Leon decided to go to the basement and check on how his partner was doing. When he finally found his way down there, which involved having to find a couple of keys, answer a couple of riddles, and place several rare medallions into a statue, he found his P/O (Police Other) stuck thigh deep in the concrete of the basement floor.

“Damn, X, how are we gonna fight our way out of this one?” Leon said with despair.

Mr. X removed his hat and threw it at Leon as hard as he could. It knocked the pretty boy down and messed up his cool 90’s boy band hair.

“X! My 90’s boy band hair!”

Leon got up and prepared his arm to return the hat with a much wimpier throw but noticed a piece of paper taped to the inside. He ripped it out of there and read it aloud.

“’Call Crane’. Oh Yeah! The Raccoon City Police Crane Department can get you out in a jiffy!”

Leon threw the hat down and ran up the stairs to the phone. Mr. X let out a cry as the hat hit the floor well out of his reach.

After several hours of negotiating and directions given over crappy phone reception, the crane arrived at the apartment building. First, they had to measure out a section of the roof to remove so they could pull him straight out. Then they had to coordinate a skeleton crew of workers to actually remove the section of roof and several sections of the floors to get a clear shot to the basement. The whole time Leon sat in the car fixing his hair in the mirror.

They got the fixings wrapped around Mr. X’s hot bod and gave the okay signal to lift. The crane groaned at the taxation caused by the heavy mutant man, but it finally pulled him loose and lifted him out of there like a big baby in a high chair. 

The crane safely set him down and they quickly dismantled it so they could get home. 

Mr. X got into the car and stared at Leon. Leon was still fixing his hair, not a care in the world about what was going on around him. After a few minutes of awkward staring, Leon finally got his hair right and looked over at Mr. X.

“They saved you! That was fast.”

Mr. X nodded and then started the car for him.

“Right, we should get back to the office and look over the evidence we gathered.”

They sped back, not heeding the many speed limit signs that they passed on their way. 

When they got to the desk they threw down the folder and stared at it.

“I can’t believe it, X, we were there for hours and all we got was a bunch of witnesses.”

Mr. X just stared him in the face.

“Right, we didn’t even get witnesses. Why are we such bad cops?”

Mr. X let out a big fart and they both had a good laugh. Well, Mr. X laughed by moving his hand like a mouth talking.

“Oh man they should call you ‘Silent, But Deadly’”

Mr. X nodded enthusiastically at that.

“Okay, let’s get back down there and gather some evidence for real. It’s probably for the best that you stay in the car.”

They drove back to the apartment building and Leon made his way in. He got to the apartment and found that it was spotless. Not a thing was left except for a note in the middle of the room. It read ‘More food food to make into poo poo’ on company branded stationary. The branding happened to be Hannibal Lecter’s Talks For Smiles Therapist Services.

“Bingo”

Leon took the note and raced back to the car. Mr. X was asleep in the passenger seat, his head resting on the piece of roof beside him. 

“X!”

Mr. X jumped and starting swinging his arms around him.

“X, please, I have a clue!”

Mr. X snatched the note away and looked at it. He then whipped out his UMBRELLA phone. He typed away like mads and then slammed the phone down on the roof. He pointed to the steering wheel.

“Right, let’s get down to the station.”

They got there in seconds flat and entered the dim police headquarters. There, waiting in the lobby, was Denmark’s sexiest man.

“Hello, Leon.”

“Hey there, Mr. Mikkelsen”

“Why did Mr. X wish to speak to me?”

Leon showed him the note.

“Oh no, I’m not going to get my finger prints on it that easily.”

“We wouldn’t set ya up like that, Mads.” Leon swished his pretty boy hair.

“Just read it to me”

Leon read it to him.

“Sure sounds like me alright, but it isn’t.”

“Sounds good to me. What about you, X?”

Mr. X wound his right arm up and socked Mads Mikkelsen square in the jaw, instantly knocking the sexy man out.

“Jesus, X!”

Mr. X shrugged, adjusted his hat, took Mads Mikkelsen’s left leg, and dragged him to the nearest cell.

“Can we just make a violent arrest like that?”

Mr. X lifted both of his arms and twirled around.

“Damn, you do have a point. I guess there isn’t anyone around to tell us how to operate.”

Mr. X threw him in the cell and slammed the door. He then took down his hat, flipped it over, took out something from the false top, and threw it in the cell. It was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

“I’m tired, X, let’s call it a day.”

Mr. X nodded.

Leon took the case folder and filed it away in the ‘Completed” filing cabinet.

The two “best friends” showed up to the police station at the same time the next morning. On their desk, to their surprise, was just one folder. It’s title: “Random Cannibal Mystery #11.”


	2. Judge, Jury, and Sexecutioner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Mr. X throws a tantrum to visit the zoo, our duo finds another suspect in the cannibal case.

“Oh noooooooo!”

Mr. X just nodded.

The dreaded case file had reappeared.

“Guess the higher ups didn’t approve of our conclusion. They wouldn’t know a case closed if it hit them in their toodles!”

Mr. X grabbed his toodles in defiance.

“Well, I guess we gotta go back out and look around for some evidence.”

Mr. X pointed towards the prisoner corral.

“Yes! Question him, X!”

Mr. X moved with purpose towards the cell. He opened the gate and strode in, fists a-clenched. Mads Mikkelsen was still unconscious on the ground.

Mr. X put on a show! With many a movement and costume change to explain, as best as his voicelessness could allow, what exactly he wanted to know from the sexiest man from Sweden. Sweden, right? Denmark? I can’t remember.

When the end of the display was reached, and Mads Mikkelsen did not even stir, Mr. X went into a fit of rage. He punched through the brick wall at the back of the cell, much like he did just a couple of days ago when he was so pleasantly introduced to ol’ Leon over there staring in horrormazement.

Then Mr. X attempted a scream, and strode out to the garage.

“X! Wait!”

Mr. X got into the passenger seat and looked at Leon in his most angry face, which was no different than his normal face.

“You want me to take you somewhere, big guy?”

Mr. X made an elephant trunk of his arm.

“To the zoo!?”

Mr. X nodded furiously.

They sped on down to the ethical nightmare. They were delighted to see that there was not a line in sight. Or a ticket booth. It was free zoo day!

They ran in with unrestrained excitement. Upon getting through the doors, they saw somebody. He had long blond hair and was wearing a green shirt and very, VERY tight green pants. He turned around when he heard the two cops enter.

“Oh god, the fuzz!”

The blond guy booked it down the hall. Leon and X ran after him, with Mr. X striding faster than either of them and easily overtaking the mysterious man. He grabbed him with both arms and lifted him off of the floor. He turned towards Leon and Leon agave the man a couple of whimpy punches to soften him up a little.

“That didn’t even hurt, you curtained fool.”

“Just who the hell ARE you?”

“I’m Eike.”

“How do you spell that?”

“Like normal.”

“Okay, just making sure. Hey X, let’s book him and take him down town.

Eike looked shocked.

“What did I do to deserve being detained?”

“You have prettier hair than me!”

Mr. X choked Eike slightly and then brought him to the back of the custom squad car. He got in the front and, with his body clearing the roof by a good foot, held onto his hat with his right hand and held up a small light complete with siren. 

Leon drove them to the police station and they unloaded their cargo. When they got to the cell, they noticed that the door was left open and Mads Mikkelsen was not in there.

Mr. X threw Eike into the cell as hard as he could then stomped off to look for the sexiest man in... Seriously, was it Germany? No, Till Lindemann holds the title of Sexiest Mann In Germany.

Anyway, as X was doing his best hound dog impersonation (at least outside of the bedroom), Leon rummaged through Eike’s pockets to try to find evidence to link him to the cannibal case. I mean, just anything at all to get this over with so that they may earn a vacation. All he found was a lighter, a couple of maps, a red jewel (which he quickly pocketed), and a weird circular box that displayed a lot of dates in green.

“Sudoku! This looks mysterious enough to be the work of a cannibal.”

As he held the box up in the light to examine it further, Mr. X strode in and threw Mads Mikkelsen into the cell. Mads’ leg hit Leon’s shoulder as his body flew into the cell and knocked the device out of his hands. It smashed into a million sharp pieces on the floor. 

“Dammit, X!”

Mr. X shed one single tear.

“Oh, hell. I’m sorry for yelling. You’re a good boy. Now, play dead!”

Mr. X fell backwards and lay spread eagle on the floor, which cracked upon his landing.

“Alright, X, time to get up. We got work to do. Help me cut Eike’s hair.”

Mr. X got up, walked over to Eike, gathered up his luscious locks in one hand, and yanked out his hand in one fell swoop. His head was left a bloody sphere.

“That’s what he gets for having pretty boy hair around me!”

Mr. X swiftly gathered up some of the hair and put it in a button. He shaped the hair to form the line ‘I Like Ike’ and gave it to Leon, his pupils shaped like hearts.

“For ME!?”

Leon snatched up the button and pinned it to his uniform.

“It’s beautiful!”

Leon gave Mr. X a big hug, which was a very tiny hug compared to the mutant’s enormous size.

“Hey, X, I think we should go to showers on the second floor and wash up. I can’t interrogate guilty men with dirty hair.”

Mr. X nodded in agreement and followed the pretty boy to the showers. They both got completely naked and stepped in. There was no hot water in the police station, so there was a whole lotta shrinkage going on. Also, it made one particular pretty boy even more hard than normal.

“Hey, X, this cold water is making my permanent erection even harder. How neat is that?”

Mr. X just stared at the mesmerizing flesh pole jutting out of the tiny pretty boy pelvis. His mind was not on washing. At least, not on washing himself. Mr. X’s ten foot uncut pole was securely coiled up inside his massive body. What did you think all that space was for? It only arrived for special occasions and cold water showers was nothin’ special.

Mr. X put his hand up to the shower head and forced the water to spray on the tip of Leon’s pasty pointer.

“He He! That tickled, X!”

Mr. X then swooped up Leon and set him on his shoulders. Leon slid down the soapy back and positioned himself with his member over Mr. X’s Mr. Xit.

“Go in?”

Mr. X bent over and the motion caused him to slip right in. Mr. X let out a bit of a moan. Or it might have been the air ducts overhead? They did not plan this shower out well, especially since it was installed in an old museum. Like, what a horrible building to have a shower in.

Leon got bizzay as he thrust in and out as best as his little pretty boy muscles would allow. Mr. XL’s penis started to slither it’s way out of the designated penis hole (which looked quit yonic when not in dick mode). Leon wrapped his arm around the gigantic body in an attempt to give a reach around, but he could not even make it close to the crotch of the other guy. Arms. Can’t. Reach.

After about five minutes of mutant butt fuck fest, Leon noticed that there was a warm liquid lapping his feet. He looked down while still managing to thrust and saw that Mr. X was pretty much pissing out semen.

“Oh, god, I’ll stop there buddy! Don’t want your semen reserves to deplete or you’re toast!”

Leon hopped right out of there and fell on his back in the pool of mutant spunk. His head was under for a few seconds as he tried to get his hands and feet under him to get to a standing position. He slapped Mr. X across the back three times, which he read about in the instruction manual he found in Mr. X’s wallet one day, and the gravy boat was beached.

Mr. X stood up, his face was very pale. 

“Go lie down, X, you deserve it after that champion cum dumping.”

Mr. X limped off to the break room to sleep off his fluid loss.

Leon decided to go back to the prison cell and see if any of their suspects wanted to talk. He found that they were both sitting there playing patty cake.

“Mads, Eike, would either of you like to confess to the crime of cannibalism that occurred in that one apartment building that I totally care about?”

They both shook their heads and continued their game. Eike’s head shake caused blood to cover Mads’ face.

“Well, think about it then!”

Leon then stormed off to the break room himself for a cup of coffee and some doughnuts. Mr. X was snoring like a baby while Leon just watched him.

“That’s my big baby.”

Mr. X, while laying on his side and facing away from Leon, let out the loudest fart of his career. It shook the building and the car alarm of their police cruiser could be heard going off. Leon laughed so hard he fell out of his chair, which was already tipping backwards from the blast. Mr. X lifted up his arm and made his hand move in a talking motion to show that he shared in the humor too.

“Boy there sure ain’t nothing silent about you.”

Mr. X went back to peaceful sleep.

“I tried getting them to confess. They’re as stubborn as me when somebody tells me to shave my curtains. I guess we will just have to try again tomorrow.”

Mr. X nodded in his sleep and let out a little fart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Creates fetish opportunities!" - A Review
> 
> "That's purple prose for he stopped ejaculating!" - Me, justifying my shenanigans.


	3. Beach Episode, Thy Name Is Butch!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two new handsomes on the scene. Nothing was touched, not even a peen.

The sewer was dank, a word some people would describe as musty, cold, disagreeably damp. Synonymous with words like clammy, moist, unaired, moisture-laden. Much like Claire’s pants. 

“Gross!” Leon shouted, shuddering at the thot. 

Mr. X agreed. The power couple already had that weird mind-connection where they finish each others’ sentences, or make the same joke at the same time. He could hear Leon’s thoughts, I guess is what I’m saying. 

“Why are we down here again, Big Guy?” Leon asked, brushing back his purty hair and biting his lip like an absolute tease. 

XL pulled a folder out of his trench coat. The blonde’s heart dropped. It was that damn envelope again! 

Random Cannibal Mystery #11. 

“We’ve apprehended the guy not once, but twice!” Leon clarified. “We got both of him!” 

The envelope did not let up. Instead it insisted the cannibalistic murders had not stopped. It’d grown fat with… related news paper clippings and dusted finger print. Yeah, that’s probably what’s in case files. 

Just! Then! Mr! X’s foot hit something, sending it flying further into the linear abyss. Leon’s flashlight barely casting light on one foot as it spiraled off like Cody from Scary Movie 3. I don’t like to think about Scary Movie 3 too much. 

Leon cringed. The sight reminded him of flying zombies, which he didn’t like to think about. Some crazy things happened towards the end there. You guys remember the flying zombies, don’t you? They mutated and developed propeller hats. 

Still, they sprinted towards the body, which laid there 1/3 eaten. It must have been a tiny cannibal, and this was a big meal. Dennis Nedry’s body was missing only, but exactly one third of his pork chops. 

Suddenly! George Swewwell, male, adult, voiced by Joel Bernard. 

“I’ve been looking for you two,” said Swewl. “I came when I heard the sound of incompetence.” 

“I think you mean incontinence,” Leon shot back. Mr. X patted him on the back in agreement. 

“Whatever you say, cupcake,” Sewel replied. He knelt to swab the body for DNA, focusing on the bite marks. He dug a q-tip into each wound, then dropped it into a plastic baggie. The man looked up, locking eyes with Leon. “You gonna help or what?” 

“Why are you here anyway, Sewwel?” 

Swewell feigned hurt feelings. “Because the department was hiring.” 

“But I thought they were still paying the water bill! How could they afford to start hiring again?”

Swewll was silent for a moment. A smug smile crept onto his face. He radiated the kinda energie that made your nipples crawl inside you for safety. If you had really expressive nipples, that is. “The department hired me because they’re horrified by your inability to do anything.” 

Mr. X (Or in British: Mr. Zex) clenched his fists. Leon gasped.

Sewell stood up straight, bones popping as he did so. He stretched, then gestured for the duo to follow him. “I know a short cut outta here. Come.” 

They walked at a brisk pace, thighs sloshing through thick, murky sludge. As the minutes passed, the water retreated down to their calves (moo), then their ankles. Light grew brighter and brighter until it was blinding. The sound of pelicans and seagulls echoed around them. 

“Oh! The beach!” 

Leon ripped off his uniform, and Mr. X’s trench coat dropped with a heavy… leather fabric sound. Lucky for them, it was bring your swimsuit to work day. 

“Hey, you stupi--” was all Swewll had time to say, before he noticed Leon’s beautiful body. With the beautiful legs, and his beautiful torso. His attitude towards the himbo quick turned. LB. RB.“I mean Leo!”

“Leon* asterisk,” he corrected as he felt the salty waves come in and crash against his skin. 

“Yeah… Leon...” His look remained lecherous. “You know what’s in the teaches of Peaches?” 

“Overreaches?” 

“No.”

“Sex with the Sneetches?” 

“Not that either.”

“Beats me.”

“Masochist, eh?”

“Pacifist.”

Swl screeched in sexual frustration.

Mr. X, very disappointed, pointed to a couple of Raccoon City Police Dinghy Department dinghies.

“Let’s hop into X’s dinghy and make for the police station!” bellowed the blond piece of meat.

“Can we just ditch the giant toddler and go somewhere private?”

Mr. X, English expert at large (or very large?), charged the prison guard turned super dick.

“He can understand me!?” was all Sw got out before the giant mutant was on him like a wrestler who forgot his script. His fists started swinging.

“X, Staaaahp!” Leon cried in vain.

But the job had been done. When the sand settled, all that was beneath Mr. X was… nothing!

“You’re gonna have to do better than that here.”

That came from behind the two lovers. They turned in astonishment.

“You two fools. This town has the power to manifest your deepest nightmares. Look! The Fog!”

Walking out of the fog was a roughly six foot man. He wore an M65 field jacket, without the liner, and was holding a large, bulbous object. 

“The town creates dream boats?” Leon was blushing.

“Sometimes it beaches them.”

Leon pondered the statement vigorously.

The man got closer, and as he got closer, the fog got less thicc. He was clearly holding a sack of feathers.

“What’s in the sacc?”

“Weapon.” Said the decidedly-effeminate dream boat. Who decided? Me decided. 

Leon took note of the similarities between them: blond, sexually objectify-able, vicious killers. He will submit an inquiry to Kgnoami (sic) at a convenient date.

Mr. X stamped his foot in the sand and clapped his hands.

“What is it now, big fun?”

S was gone. Like, poof! Outta here! All that was left on the sand where he was standing was a cupcake.

“Dammit, X, why didn’t you sic him?”

Mr. X shrugged and looked hurt.

“The evidence, X!”

Mr. X sat down and started to weep.

“I can help dispose of your evidence.” Said the new hotness.

“Great! Follow us please.”

Mr. X got up and grabbed Leon’s hand to lead their new companion back into the sewe(l)rs.

When they got to the body, the new guy immediately began to lift it up.

Leon asked, “What are you doing!?” 

“Getting rid of the evidence,” answered the jacket slut.

“Oh, is that what cops do?”

“You’re cops!?” He raised his pillow.

Suddenly they heard an ominous noise from deep in the sewers. It sounded kind of like… like… “Hey! How ya doin’?”

“It’s Roger Davis! Run!”

The three booked it in the opposite direction of the animal’s howl. After a good amount of mindless fleeing, they stopped to realize they were lost.

“Dammit! Lost again,” cried the pretty boy. Leon, I mean. The OG pretty boy.

“Isn’t there a puzzle we can solve to get out of here?” Asked the pillow wielder, his chest pocket flashlight blinding poor Leon.

“Maybe. Say, whats your name anyway?”

“James. James Underground. No, wait. Ummm. Sunderland! Yeah, that’s it. James Sunderland.”

“What are you doing in Raccoon City, James?”

“I’m looking for my wife. She wrote me this le-whoops!”

A piece of paper fell out of James’ hand and into the running sewer water.

“My last laundry tissue.”

“Last what?”

“Nevermind.”

They moved on in the same direction they had been going. After what felt like hours of poop ankle water slide, they found a ladder.

“Hey, X, go up that ladder.”

Mr. X put his foot on the first rung and it broke.

“Oh yeah he’s chunky. Hey, James, would you want to attempt to recon the ladder situation.”

“Sure, but, I’m going to keep holding onto my pillow.”

“Whatever your freak is, Pretty Boy Redux.”

James swiftly made his way up the ladder. At the top, he stuck his head down and motioned for Leon to climb up. Leon complied and found, to his great shock, that they were right beside their desk in the Raccoon City Police Station. 

“How the...” Leon stated in confusion.

“I don’t know I’m not an architect.”

“Hey, X, it leads to the station,” Leon yelled down to Mr. X, “We’ll find a pocket crane and pull you up here.”

Mr. X made a couple of movements with his hands.

“Okay! We’ll hurry,” Leon yelled back down to him. Then he looked back up at James.

“We are going to have to find the pocket crane. Soon! He’s got bad gas and when mutants have gas in the sewer it tends to end in fire.”

“Got it.”

The pretty boy duo frantically tore up the place looking for the pocket crane. Eventually Leon found it in the broom closet. It was painted yellow and looked like a camera tripod with a pulley system and some ratchet straps. It was a one-of-a-kind machine made by Leon’s father for his first (actually second) day on the job. 

Leon and James set it up at a rapid pace. They tossed one end of the strap down to Mr. X, who looped it under his crotch and tossed it back up to them. Leon fed it into the ratchet part of the ratchet strap (is there a term for that? Asking for a friend who doesn’t believe in Google) and checked its tightness integrity

“Yep, that ain’t going anywhere.” Leon said with pride.

Soon, the ratcheting began. Each agonizing rep of the ratchet brought Mr. X inches up at a time. The strap and supports of the pocket crane were groaning in protest throughout the whole process. He made it up to head level and then heaved himself up the rest of the way, knocking over and destroying the pocket crane in the process.

“My dad’s gift!” Leon screamed in agony

Mr. X shrugged.

James comforted Leon with his free hand. His hand moved lower on Leon’s body and Mr. X intervened.

“I was just gonna show him how it was!”

Mr. X mocked him by moving his hand like a talking head.

“Stop that, you brute!”

Mr. X cocked his foot back as if to say ‘Stop or I’ll shoe!’

“Go ahead and shoe, see if I care!”

As soon as the last word left James’ mouth Mr. X’s shoe made contact with it at full velocity.

James was left laying on the floor with his head on his pillow and snoring.

Leon got up, clearly over the death of his dad’s cheap contraption. Mr. X moved in and gave Leon a big bear hug.

“How sweet, cupcakes.”

They turned and saw Swegel standing there with his arms crossed.

“What are YOU doing here, Sewer?”

“It’s Sewel! And for why I’m here, well, I know all!” He added, mumbling under his breath, “also, u know, i work here...”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah!”

“So where is Chris Redfield then?” Leon threw at him smugly.

“He’s still on vacation! Somewhere in Amsterdam. Getting high and banging ladies that look like Claire. They don’t call him Chris Dollanganger for nothing.”

Leon swore and looked away. He correctly answered the hardest question the force could throw at him. With 110% accuracy too.  
“Plus, I got theses bad boys!” Sewel held up the little snack bag of bloody Q tips.

Leon and Mr. X cheered. Even James let out a snort of joy. 

“You did it, Sweeper! Now we have the evidence to book the guy.”

“Not just yet, sweet baby Leon!”

:O


	4. Leon On The Sword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our dynamic duo find themselves trapped in an age long forgotten where they find a man who will never forget them.

Deep in the forests of the southern Hyborian kingdoms lay a stone blemish that jutted up towards the heavens. It had been talked about by many a wanderer and tavern wench in all major cities of the land. Inside the lost tower lay the treasures of a supposed alien race. A treasure that would make any man more powerful than all of the kings combined. 

Inside the dark and dusty halls of the unnamed tower a tan figure prowled like a tiger, his feet noiseless on the stone flags that have laid untrod for centuries. His piercing blue eyes scanned the corridor from left to right for any signs of ambush. His square cut black mane straddled his shoulders as he approached a giant bronze door. He put his ear up to it and strained to hear anything from the other side. He almost missed the pathetic whimpering that slithered up from under the door.

Thinking about the idea of life on the other side, he tried the latch. Nothing. The combination of potential prize and denial of access caused the man to crash full force into the door. It gave with a cry of ‘The fuck, bro?’ and the barbarian was in. What he saw with his wild eyes accustomed to low light was a low, wide room with many a tapestry covering the walls. The floor was bare except for a dias in the exact center. On said dias was an ivory skinned, short blond haired being that quivered with fright at the loud exclamation of the door.

“Ho, wench, allow me to approach and I shall unhinge thee.” Stated the barbarian as he approached the delicious morsel just laying there for the taking.

“X, is that you?” The bound tease threw out into the darkness.

The barbarian hesitated. ‘What strange god has he called upon?’ he thought. He decided that the unearthly attractiveness trumped any danger at this point. 

He continued his approach. When he got within reach of the dias he saw the most beautiful being this side of Aquillonia. They were clothed in nothing but an extremely short pair of red silk shorts and a red silk top torn from the very bottom of the breasts. The creature looked up and almost locked eyes with the wild man.

“You’re as big as Mr. X, but you speak. Who are you?” The beauty inquired.

“I am Conan. Who might you be, my lovely?”

“I am Leon. Leon Kennedy.”

“That’s an odd name for a sacrificial wench.”

“Wench?” Leon looked confusedly into the darkness, his body throbbing with his pulse.

“Wait a minute.” Conan spat out as he lowered himself for a closer look. To even the keenest eyed civilized man the evidence would be missed, but Conan would not be here if his eyesight were even the slightest bit flawed. Right there, in between the most beautifully crafted legs that the gods had ever attempted, was a slight bulge.

“Crom! A man-wench!”

Conan took a step back. Then, he decided that he would need to get this man out of here no matter how much of a tease he was. He drew his sword and cleaved the chains that bound Leon to the dias.

Leon stood up and stretched, totally rocking that bod. Conan bit his lower lip as he moved his lusty gaze up and down the supple body that filled those tight silk clothes a little too much.

“We need to find a way through here.” Conan said

“But we need to find my partner first.”

Conan knew that such a beautiful being would be spoken for. But that had never been too much of an obstacle for him in the past.

“Look, I’ll help you find your partner, but I would prefer payment.”

“Oh, yeah, I got plenty of money back at the police station.” Leon said with a swing of his arm behind him.

Conan looked displeased.

“What do you mean ‘pull ice’? Ice has no value to a Cimmerian. I want the fruit of the flesh.”

“You...you want to eat me?” Leon started to quiver again.

“I am not from Zamboula! I do not eat the flesh, I lust after it!”

Leon’s face lowered in realization.

“I may be faithful to Mr. X, but I am curious about you. I will decide when we are free.”

Conan spat in rage, but accepted the situation. 

“First, we must find the lost treasure.” The Cimmerian said as he started to peer behind the tapestries for a hidden door. He finally found one and motioned for Leon to join him. Leon strutted over tantalizingly in his newfound outfit and the two went through the door. 

It lead to a narrow staircase that wound infinitely upward into the gloom.

“I wonder if Mr. X is up there.” Leon pondered out loud.

“Well he wasn’t down in the pleasure halls with you,” Conan retorted, “Also, how did you manage to find your way bound to that dias like some irresistable offering to Set?”

“I went to sleep one night and when I awoke I was laying bound there. I wasn’t there five minutes before you showed up and started grunting at me like some police academy drill instructor that I had a thing for.”

Conan was very confused. All of this talk of force and pulling ice caused a strange pain in the middle of his head and left his heart feeling like the very tentacles of those great unknown beings from beyond were groping around to possess him.

“Enough, you hussy! We will find your man and the great treasure of this accursed place in silence!”

And so it was. They continued to climb for what seemed like ages before they happened upon a bronze door like the one that Conan had pushed in when he heard Leon’s pathetic cries.

“Okay, I’ve already bashed in one of these things. Do you think I can do it again?” The Cimmerian tossed Leon’s way.

“No need.” Leon responded as he lifted the latch and pushed in the door.

Conan leaped in like a panther on a ham sandwich. Both men recoiled in fear as they saw a giant robed figure sitting with it’s head back in a great chair. There was a thick black veil throughout the entire room.

“Black lotus!” Conan hissed as he grabbed Leon by his infinitely beautiful waist, swiped him up over his shoulder, and ran down the stairs and back to the pleasure chamber.

“Why!?” Leon screamed as he beat his puny fists on the great iron thews of Conan’s back.

“One more second in that fog and we would be dining with Crom! The black lotus is what whimpy wizards use to channel evil sorceries from beyond the veil of reality. It gives me heartburn.”

Conan groped around the walls for another door. He found one, but this one lead to stairs that wound down.

“Humph,” Conan grunted, “I guess the treasure is just as likely to be down as it is up. Plus, I’d rather not wake up a wizard that has probably been in a lotus dream for centuries if I don’t have to. Down we go!” With that, Conan spanked Leon to get him to go first. 

Leon held up a small dagger and Conan had his sword drawn, walking backwards down the stairs. 

After what felt like ages of cheek-to-cheek tactical movement, they reached the bottom of the stairs. It was too dark for even the Cimmerian to see a foot in front of them. But, he could still sense the presence of something sinister lurking in the darkness.

Suddenly, across the way, a soft green light manifested in the shape of a doorway. They started for it at a careful pace and, within a couple of minutes, were staring through the portal. The light was coming from the top of the hallway that lay in front of them, but the source was indeterminable. Conan gave Leon another mighty spank and he fell face down, ass up on the illuminated floor. 

Suddenly, three men jumped down from above, swords drawn. Two rushed the giant Cimmerian while one jumped on top of Leon. Conan swung his mighty sword through the first man’s neck, instantly removing his head, and, the motion continuing unhindered, buried the sword deep into the torso of the second. The bodies hardly had time to drop before Conan impaled his full length into the back of the man on top of Leon, spraying blood and stomach contents all over Leon’s backside.

“What the hell was that?” Leon said between huge retches.

“Depraved minions of that egghead upstairs. They probably saw us in the black lotus chamber and predicted our next move. Look! This one still breathes!” Conan picked up the man that took his sword shaft like a champ. 

“Who are you people? I have never seen men of your features in these lands.” Conan yelled in his face.

“They should’ve known better...” The dying man gasped.

“Who!? Should have know what!?” The giant man was shaking with rage.

“You...you should...always...”

“YES!?”

“Use contraceptives...” And with that, the man went limp.

“GAAAAH!!!!” Conan cast the body aside with such force that it not only splattered all of the meat and splintered the bones, but caused a hole in the wall. 

“I have learned more words today than a babe in the company of pirates.” Conan said while he wiped off his sword with what little he could grab of Leon’s top. Leon remained silent, just accepting what was happening around him.

“Come, man wench, we must continue down this green hall and locate your man, and my treasure!”

They moved along at a quickened pace, both of them sick of having to sneak around like some whimpy wizard. The hall took a 90 degree turn to the right and plunged back into darkness.

“Crom! Well, we must continue if we want to make progress.” 

After a couple of yards it turned again and they did not even have light from behind to allow them to see. Then, the footsteps started. Conan slapped his hand across Leon’s mouth and crouched down against the wall of the corridor. He was planning to ambush the fool that decided to follow them. 

The footsteps got louder and louder until they were almost deafening the two men. Then, the being seemed to pass them by without noticing as the footsteps were past them now. Conan, still holding Leon’s mouth, guided them in the direction that the footsteps went.

It took them a while to catch up to the owner of the footsteps, but when they did, they found him in a dimly lit chamber, much like the one where Leon was found. Conan stashed Leon in a recess in the wall and proceeded towards the chamber, sword and free hand ready to slash and grasp. He saw the figure silhouetted against a small candle flickering on a table at the far end of the chamber. He was a huge brute of a man, half again as tall as Conan, and seemed to be wearing nothing but a tight loin cloth. Conan, lusty adventurer that he was, decided he could best this beast and approached in panther mode. 

The giant seemed to not notice anything while he tinkered away at something on the table. Conan got within arms reach and leaped. He got his arms around the giant’s neck and choked with all of his might. The beast’s hands instantly shot back and started groping for Conan in a desperate attempt to throw him off. The Cimmerian just tightened his already impossibly tight grip and was preparing to wait out the suffocation process when the giant made a time-out motion with his hands. Conan, though barbarian, always honored an honest time-out.

“What are you?” Conan asked while drinking in huge gasps of musty cellar air.

The big man made and X with his hands.

“I do not understand your hand speak.”

Then, both giant men heard the soft patter of dainty feet running their way.

“X!”

Leon came running in as fast as his sexy little legs would take him and he jumped into Mr. X’s open arms. They embraced for a good minute before Mr. X set him back down.

“So you’re the man here, eh?” Conan said with jealousy.

Mr. X nodded.

“Well, at least we will have your advantageous size and strength to our advantage.”

Mr. X held up the object he was looking at when Conan decided to attack. Leon looked excited but Conan just got heart burn at the sight of it.

“X, that’s amazing! This is our ticket out of here.” Leon did a little dance that was kinda sexy.

Mr. X shook his head in despair.

“We need a certain crystal don’t we?” Leon’s smile faded.

“What kind of jewel?” The Cimmerian asked.

“Would it be this kind?” The voice came from behind the three and sounded like a rusty gate being rammed repeatedly.

They all turned and saw the lotus dreamer...AWAKE!

“By Crom, I’ll send you to the great beyond where you belong!” Conan yelled as he prepared a charge. But, Mr. X put his hand on the Cimmerian’s shoulder. Mr. X then strode toward the wizard with purpose and, after revving up his arm, thrust his whole fist into the wizard’s face. The wizard just stood in primordial fear as he watched the overwhelming wall of pure iron thews practically float towards him. The punch laid the magic man out on his back, instantly killing him.

As soon as the life left the limbs of the dreamer, the wall behind them creaked open.

“The treasure chamber!” Cried Conan.

He ran into there and saw a room with a door on each side. Both doors were open and there was not a thing in there but a note. Conan strode over to the note, disbelief in his eyes, and read it aloud 

“’Faf and Mouse were here.’ CROM!” Conan threw his sword at the wall and it shattered. At the place of the sword where the blade meets the hilt jutted out a small green jewel. Mr. X pointed to it excitedly.

“Conan! That’s the last component we need to get out of here!” Leon said jumping up and down, his delicious cheeks bouncing in an ungodly way.

The Cimmerian just frowned.

“And I suppose you just expect me to give it to you and let you two escape?”

Leon looked at X. Mr. X just nodded.

“Conan, I think it is time you are repaid. Look!” Leon pointed through one of the doors. In there was a large bed.

Conan clapped his hands, scooped Leon up, and ran into the room. The door was slammed shut and the bolt was loudly drawn. All that came from the room was rapid loud banging noises and bestial grunts. After a final howl and some more grunting, the door opened. Conan strode out with a big grin on his face. Leon stumbled out, his legs not having much strength after the work that they just got.

“That was the best wenching I have ever had, man wench.” Conan ejaculated.

“Me too, hot stuff.” Leon said, smiling and winking at Conan. Mr. X frowned a little, but knew that it had to have been done.

“Alright, X, hit the switch!”

Mr. X fumbled with the object in his hands and the two of them disappeared. Conan stood there in the unnatural silence of the subterranean chamber. He let out a howl of despair, knowing that he would never know such satisfaction ever again.


	5. Pillow Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the cast get a better look at Pillow Sunderland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, somebody with talent write some serious James/Leon fic. They should be an item (consumable).

Leon woke up in one of the bunks in the Raccoon City Police Station (they must have bunks right? Like, don’t policemen sometimes have to work there all night or something? I don’t know I’m not a cop I swear). He was wearing his full cop uniform even though he had just had a good night’s sleep. 

“Damn, that dream about being transported back to the Hyborean age was really wild! All the fighting and wizards and wenching!” Leon yelled up to the heavens.

“Don’t forgot all of the death.” Came a deep muffled voice from Leon’s bunk.

Leon jumped back, startled. He pulled out his trusty police flashlight and scanned the area. All he found was a very lumpy pillow that was quivering slightly.

“Who goes there!?” Leon yelled.

“It’s me, Pillow.”

“Now my pillow is talking to me? Is this still a sexy barbarian dream?”

“No. Leon. It is me, Pillow Sunderland. I absorbed all kinds of images of death and sex and some more death from your slutty little mind while you were on top of me.”

Leon looked away, embarrassed.

“How did you...absorb what you did?” Leon was shaking in horror as he came to realize the extent of what the little monster could have seen.

“I absorb a lot of things.” The pillow belched out. Leon could almost swear he could see a creepy little pillow smile underneath a creepy little pillow mustache.

“Did you cause the dreams?” Leon asked.

“Maybe. I am a well known Conan fan. As well as a well known Cannibal Corpse fan.” The pillow shook with excitement as he got to finally share some of his interests with somebody.

“Cannibal Corpse, eh,” Leon pursued, “Have a favorite song?”

“I Cum Blood.”

“No, I mean...” Leon accessed his large bank of Cannibal Corpse trivia to confirm that I Cum Blood is in fact a song by that band. Leon looked the thing over some more. It seemed to undulate constantly. That was probably why his neck felt so good after the night of sleep. 

Then, he noticed the stench. The retching began. Nothing satisfying was coming up, just a bunch of repulsive air.

“You okay there, buddy?” Pillow asked, a bit of concern showing in his voice. 

“Just a bit of my normal retching.” Leon managed to get out in between heaves. He was beginning to wonder if there was no escape except for a swift retreat. But how to retreat If the pillow had him in such a spell?

Leon sucked in his breath, stood fully erect, and socked the pillow in the jaw as hard as he could. There was a horrible squishing sound and a yellowish, pungent ooze flew out of the opening and all over the bunk. Leon took this time to scramble out of the door way and sprint down the hall. 

At the end of the hall, Leon ran into a broken man. It was James Sunderland.

“Oh, sorry, excuse me.” James was muttering as they both stood up after such an awful collision.

“It was my bad, dude, I was running from this smelly pillow and I wasn’t paying attention.”

“You have something on your face. It looks like Dijon mustard or something.” James was pointing at Leon’s lips.

Leon licked his lips and his eyes bulged out in realization.

“I know that taste!” Leon yelled at James.

“You think you’re special because you’ve had Dijon mustard before? I bet you buy Grey Poupon too.” James had eyes that screamed ‘weirdo alert’.

“No, dude, it’s,” Leon looked to the left and right and then leaned in, “ejaculate.”

“There’s monsters out there and you’re just sitting there eating ejaculate!” James said all flustered.

“What? No! It came from that damn pillow!”

James’ eyes widened.

“P-pillow?” He was tearing up. “That hussy! I’ll show him!” James was starting to march down the hall.

“James, wait!” Leon stopped him and slapped his cheeks a little bit to get him to come to his senses. James came to his senses. And then he came back out of his sense! He bolted down the hall and disappeared into the room that Leon had just evacuated not three minutes ago. Leon hustled down and looked inside. His eyes showed him a very strange scene indeed. There was James Sunderland, smothering Pillow with a pillow.

“James, stop! You’ll kill him!” Leon tried to pry James off of Pillow but to no avail.

“Mary! YAAAAAAAAAH!” James screamed as he continued his gruesome duty. When Pillow ceased to undulate, James stopped. Tears began to flow from his eyes as well as Pillow’s. Leon put his arms around James’ shoulders and led him out of the room.

“Geez, James, what was that all about?”

“I don’t know what came over me.” He looked up into Leon’s beautiful curtained face.

“Alright, you don’t have to know. Let’s just get you into this spare room here and we will settle down.” 

They made their way to another bunk room down the hall. Leon shut the door and sat James down on the filthy, neglected mattress. He noticed that James’ jacketed form was quite arousing, kinda like Mr. X’s big manly trench coat, but with a softer, more feminine voice actor. Not a ruff and gruff Haitch-Dee remastered voice actor. Just, why!? Anyways, the jacket slut was appealing and Leon engaged meat vision. He could sense a bulge a mile away and James was getting pretty bulgy.

“James, honey, do you need anything?” Leon said with the same look he gave dollar menu burgers. Leon was a dollar menu kinda guy and James was an expensive restaurant kinda lay.

“I’d like a glass of water.” James said, legs pulled up to his chest and head resting between his knees (still not quite at the self servicing kinda flexibility though).

Leon nearly broke the sound barrier as he produced a surplus canteen full of fresh drinking water from one of his many voluminous fanny packs. James took a big drink and then handed it back.

“Woooow! You sucked that down like a champ!” Leon said with huge eyes and a huge tent in his… career-issued pants. James picked up on the subtlety. Leon’s meat vision picked up the growing concern down south. 

James bent down and unbuckled Leon’s unscratched knee pads. He equipped them and then got down on his hands and knees. Leon knew that move and was ten steps ahead of him. By that I mean he prematurely ejaculated. James was piss.

“How could you do that!?” James cried in despair.

“Baby, you’re a hot guy, dude.” 

“Fair enough.”

“Besides, I cum in X all the time. I can bounce back in just a minute. The reservoirs fill up fast. This pituitary gland is far from lazy.” Leon said, tapping on his skull. They sat around for exactly two minutes and then James tried again. 

He got about throat deep on Leon when Leon blew his load again.

“Look, Leo, I don’t think this is going to work out.”

“Just another minute!”

They waited. They began again. Leon got his control under control. Then he lost it. 

James coughed, wiping his mouth. “I think we should try something else.”

Leon thought long and hard, then spoke his uncut mind, “I have an idea!” 

Underland his breath, James muttered “I bet you do...” 

“I know the most pleasurable sex act known to man.” An exciting offer, indeed. James perked up. “Get down on your knees.” 

“I am on my knees.”

“Down! On your knees!” Leon gave his best Reverend Trask impression, pushing James further to the floor, forcing the older man to catch himself with his hands. 

“:o!”

Leon, hanging out of his pants and half-flaccid, gripped his peen. He then spanked James with his dic [sic]. 

“I don’t know how to take this.” James said looking up at the curtains towering over him.

“Silence, witch!” Leon screamed.

“That’s it. I’m out.” James got up and walked back to Pillow’s room. He slipped inside that room and looked at his old friend. Pillow looked worn and discolored, exactly like before James had attempted to smother him. 

“What do you want, James? Haven’t your actions spoken louder than hot words on this day, the day of my attempted homicide?” Pillow threw at the defeated man.

“Listen, Pillow, it was a mistake. I was jealous that you had absorbed so much of Leon. I thought absorption was our thing.” 

“It is, James. But I only absorbed his mind, not his cute little dick.”

“Really!?” James was beaming.

“Why don’t you slide that big piece of meat of yours that you’ve been smuggling into my zipper hole?” Pillow quivered in sexual excitement.

“How did you see this Slim Jim I swiped from the gas station on my way into town?” James asked as he presented said Slim Jim from deep within his underwear. James planned to mess with Sasquatch sometime later.

“No, James, I meant your big ol’ dick!” Pillow nearly jumped at James, his cum filled sentience was so strong.

“Hot dog!” James yelled.

“James, please, that slutty haired pretty boy couldn’t have made you this dumb.”

“Now, that was an expression of excitement.”

James descended upon Pillow. He began his adventure by nibbling at Pillow’s own dick, which was located right at the seams were, like, all the filling and extra fabric tends to gather and is really hard against your head while you’re trying to sleep. He got throat deep on it many times without a leak sprung on Pillow’s part. The fully-aware, fully-erect (he was never flaccid, mind you) head rest groaned as James continued his reproductive mission. 

When the mouth ran dry, the dick went in. This was a feeling that James knew all too well. Many a lonely night (translation: every night since Mary died. Yes, even while he was in Silent Hill. Something had to happen during the loading screens) had James take the dive into Pillow’s deepest reaches. Every inch a new plane of pleasure as James thrust in and out. Pillow’s feathered insides felt like an inverted French Tickler. After what felt like hours, but was actually minutes, James exploded with hapenis. Pillow gained a couple of fat rolls that day, and also appeared to undulate with greater ease. 

“That was nice, Pillow.” James said, his head resting on Pillow.

“Just like old times, right James? James?” Pillow shook a little as he spoke to get James’ attention. But, James was fast asleep.

“Typical man.” Pillow said and fell asleep as well.

A couple of hours later, both Pillow and James awoke to a strange sound. First, it was loud foot steps. Then, there was a loud bang. And finally, somebody screamed “Down on your knees, witch!”


	6. You're Gonna Love My Nuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang finally catches a criminal and celebrates.

Leon stood behind his desk, features brooding. “I got a letter. The name on the envelope said... Barry.”

Silence filled the room. Silence, apart from an ambient, sloshing noise accompanied by a squeaking rhythm.

Swewel and Mr. X sat at their respective desks, waiting for Leon to finish his statement, but he never did.

“What did it say?”

“Huh?” 

Swewwelel rolled his eyes. “The letter. From… Who? Mar-” He was cut off by a pained moan from the other room. 

“Barry. And it said...” Leon cleared his throat. “In my restless waste paper basket, I saw that case: Cannibal Case [checking the previous chapters] #11. You promised you’d solve it for me, but you never did. So, now you’re demoted to stinky arson.” 

“I didn’t know Barry got promoted to chief of police. When did that happen?” 

Sewwell swiped the letter from Leon’s grasp. He scanned it briefly, then added, “There’s a post script right here. It says ‘PS: I was promoted to chief of police.’” 

Mr. X shook his head.

“Oh, X,” Leon was trying to comfort the big biological abomination, “You’re the biggest bear in town, not this Barry fella.”

“Hell no!” Cried Sewel. “Barry is such a big piece of meat. MMMMM. Wouldn’t mind getting my mouth around that.”

Little lines of wetness started to stream down Mr. X’s face. Tears? Who knows. Maybe he’s mutating again.

Suddenly, the ambient noises got a little not-so-ambient. There was a lot of shuddering in the duct work above and eventually a piece of paper flew out and it floated down onto Leon’s desk. Leon gingerly picked it up and scanned it.

“I can’t read this.” Leon said.

“What language is it in?” Sewel asked.

“Common.”

Sewer rolled his eyes and yanked it from Leon’s hands.

“This paper is perfectly fine.”

“Why are you all blurry?” Leon said as he rubbed his eyes. He then ran his fingers through his hair, his fingers coming out blond and leaving streaks of brown in his hair.

Sewel gasped. “The carpet doesn’t match the drapes!?”

Mr. X looked astonished.

“They’re not drapes. They’re curtains,” He answered as he tried to slide his fingers through his hair in reverse in a futile attempt to get the precious dye back in its place.

“So that’s why the water bill has been so high!” Sewel yelled as he pointed a finger at Leon.

Mr. X, mama bear that he is, stood up and leaned in to bite the finger.

“Get your hunk off me!”

“Sit, X!”

Mr. X did sit.

“But I have always been dying my hair. It has to be someone else.” Leon said has he put his blond fist against his chin.

Just then, they heard a moaning noise coming from below them.

“Sounds like the wash room!” Sewel said, that damn fine detective.

All three did their best job to sneak through the hallways and to the doorway to the washroom. Peering through the gaping portal, they saw a most curious sight. There was James, picture of Mary and Maria both naked and hugging in hand, sitting on top of one of the washing machines going full blast. He was letting out a bunch of MMM’s and OOOHH’s and a few YOWZA’s as his body rocked back and forth.

Sewel stared in erotic horror while Leon and Mr. X looked away out of shame.

“So this is what he meant by ‘do the laundry’.” Sewel said with that Sewel look in his eye.

“We better go read that mysterious paper.” Leon said, his hands over his eyes.

They back sneaked back up to the desk room and Sewel scanned the paper.

“Looks like we got an arson case a couple of blocks from here. Says its a whole gas station convenience store that burned down!”

The three of them hopped into the car. Leon driving, X riding too tall shotgun, and Sewel crammed in between. Sewel had his left foot on the gas pedal and the other tucked under him. Mr. X held a light on top of the car with his left hand and the siren with his right. Leon reached his right hand over Sewel’s lap and buried it in Mr. X’s pants.

“Is this the time and place to be doing that?” Sewel asked.

“Actually, yes. This car is a stick shift.”

It took the trio double the time to get to the crime scene since there were several detours due to the recent construction projects. Nobody knew where the funding came from and the Umbrella corporation logos on all of the equipment was no clue to anybody.

Sewel was first to scramble his way out of the car. He climbed over Mr. X’s hulking form, his grip firm on X’s coat as he slowly shimmied himself down and out of the vehicle. Winded from the physical exertion he panted out, “You two coming?” 

Mr. X shook his head and nodded toward both the siren and the light.

“But we have arrived, we can stop it with the light and sound display.”

Leon scuttled out of the car and over to Sewel. He leaned into his ear.

“This is about the biggest job he gets, let him have it.”

Sewel nodded and the two of them walked up to the ruined building. There was not much left standing and no obvious clues as to who did the fire or how it started. They kicked some of the ash around and made ash angels. Leon found a gold ring while making the angels, but decided to pocket it and not bring it to Sewel’s attention.

“Leon, I don’t think we can crack this one.”

“Crack...crack...Oh no!”

“What?”

“I think this was the same gas station that I dropped Mr. X off at last week, after our date. We’d gone to Happy Burger.” 

“Okay...” Sewwell said.

Leon continued, “We had their special.” 

“Uh huh...”

“It was--” Leon leaned in close and whispered, “a veggie burger.” 

“...” 

“But it wasn’t made out of… soy or whatever they usually make them out of. It was a black bean burger, with cabbage instead of lettuce.” 

Understanding danced on Swewewewewew’s face. 

“I know! Who knew lettuce wasn’t vegetarian?” 

The two men looked worried. Then, Sewel looked excited.

“You know what this means?” He asked Leon with a smile.

“What?”

“We get to cuff him,” Sewew;;; said, the grin on his face unnerving. 

Leon looked destroyed. “We can’t arrest him!”

Sewwell raised an eyebrow.

“Because of our beautiful relationship.”

Sewell raised the other eyebrow!

“Not us, weirdo. X and I. You see… When I met my boyfriend, it was almost eight to five.” 

“Eight to five?” Sewell questioned.

“Yes, eight to five. Don’t interrupt! When I met my boyfriend, it was almost eight to five. Stomping through the halls, he knew all about life. I was feeling horny and just couldn’t resist. I had to have him hit me with his ~Manly Fist~. I started bleeding badly, love at first strike.”

Sewell was horrified.

“… And since that romantic moment, I’ve crawled by his side,” Leon gushed like he was describing the plot of his favorite, cheesy rom-com.

“This only confirms how much Mr. X needs to go to jail.”

“You won’t book my boyfriend!”

Leon lunged at Sewell, who countered Leon’s charge and threw him to the ground. He then waltzed up to the police car and drew his gun.

“Mr. X, you are under arrest for the arson of this, uh, gas station.”

Mr. X put his hands behind his back. Sewel had to climb on top of the car and reach down through the sun roof to cuff the hands together.

“Now, you can’t just sit in front...” Sewel realized that he would never get him to fit in back. So, he gathered up the unconscious Leon, stuffed him in the back, and rode back to the station.

After getting Mr. X out and into his own supersize cell, Sewelle called everyone down to see his prize. There was a reluctant Leon, Pillow Sunderland, and a couple of rats. 

“Behold!” Sewel pointed to the really sad looking giant.

“My X!” Leon screamed as he ran up to the bars and lifted up his shirt, giving its occupant a peep show.

“No peep shows!” Sewwewewe yelled as he pulled Leon away and threw him to the ground.

Pillow looked around and got an idea.

“Everyone looks really sad. So, I think I can cheer you all up.”

Everyone looked puzzled, even the rats.

“I think you would all benefit from slapping my nuts.”

“Somehow I knew it was going to be sexual.” Sewel said.

“Not sexual, tasty.” Pillow said as he produced a Slap Chop, a bag of peanuts, and several half-melted sundaes. The rats descended upon the bag of peanuts with teeth bared. Pillow smothered the viscous beasts and then swallowed the bodies to hide the evidence.

“Where were you keeping all of that stuff?” Leon asked

“In my ice pack section. It’s less sticky back there.”

They all gathered around and took turns slapping Pillow’s (pea)nuts with the Slap Chop. Halfway through the sundae party they realized that someone was missing.

“Hey guys, have any of you seen James?” Sewel asked with a mouthful of Pillow nuts.

“I seen him earlier.” Pillow said.

“Go get him! He deserves a nice treat.”

“I can only show you. Follow me!” Pillow flopped on his side and started rolling down the hallway.

“I’ve got a story about James if ya want to hear it.” Pillow bellowed out of his opening as he rolled. 

“Uh, sure.” Sewel said. Leon was just quiet and drowning his sorrows in his almost completed sundae.

A sad piano could be heard in the distance.

“Here goes… 

Reeking walls of rotted stone like webs across the ground

Paint pictures of human crime and help blot out the sound

A man is inside sitting, he’s all but half his mind

His body is scarred from hunger, he’s slowly going blind

His skin is pale and bloodless, and it shows his twisted spine

His eyes are cold and lifeless, his teeth decayed with time.

Who could stand to see him suffer a single minute more?”

They reached the doorway of the room that James was in.

“If you’ve any heart at all… You’ll help me close the door! Ha Ha Ha!” Pillow rolled around with joy at his obscure rock music reference and elaborate joke. Sewel pushed him aside and rushed in to check on James. He grabbed the man’s shoulder and spun him around. The face was not James’… but Henry Townshend’s!

“Oh my god! It’s an introvert!” Sewel screamed in terror and backed out of the room. 

“What the hell.” Was all that came out of that pretty introverted mouth.

Souwil regained his composure and walked back into the room to face the strange man.

“What is your name?”

“What.”

“Your name.”

“The.”

“Sir, your name please.”

“Hell.”

Sewel screamed with rage and stormed over to pillow.

“Take me to James!” 

Pillow rolled past Sewl and over to the Henry. He squatted his opening over the ground and dropped a perfectly half-melted sundae.

“What the Hell?” Henry said as he snatched up the delicious treat offered to him.

“That should keep him busy.” Pillow said as he led Swill away from that accursed room. 

“Did you know that he was there?” He asked Pillow.

“Nah, I just know that James takes me there for giving the walls a couple of thousand yard stares sometimes. I thought he was there for a solo session today. I’ve never seen that guy before.”

“He pisses me off! Like, be social or something. Anyways, any ideas on where James is?”

Suddenly they could feel a great vibration through their feet. They both knew exactly where he was.

“The water bill!” They cried in unison. They both ran to the wash room to confront the fiend.

James was passed out and shaking on the overflowing washing machine. Suet dragged the man out of the room and rubbed Pillow over James’ nose like some kind of smelling salts. He came to immediately.

“Mary!” He cried.

“No, it’s me and the fuzz, baby. You’re in good hands.” Pillow said, giving James that good old fashioned Pillow Talk.

James got up and hugged pillow.

“Why did you guys come get me?” 

“We wanted to give you this.” Sweeelw said as he handed James a fully melted sundae that was mostly Pillow’s nuts. James downed it in one gulp and held Pillow closer.

“Any reason for the celebration?” James asked.

“I finally arrested someone in this terrible place.” Sewel said with a smile.

“Thank god it wasn’t me.” James said under his breath.

“What was that?” Sewel asked with a single raised eyebrow.

“Nothing.” Pillow answered for James.

“Well, James, let me show you my prize!”

They made their way back to the large cell. 

“WHAT!?” Sewel screamed his most screamy scream as his enraged orbs rested upon the empty cell. There was a huge hole through the brick wall at the back of the cell and a note left on the stained cot. Sewel picked up the note and squinted.

“The damn message isn’t in common! I’ve never seen this language before.”

James snatched the note and cleared his throat.

“Here goes… ‘Smell ya later, Suel, me and X are outta here!’ August 35th.”

“No! I don’t want to spend at least one more chapter catching this criminal!” Sewel yelled towards the heavens.


	7. Dodging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is Leon running from? He’s not! He’s running to… hear some character backstory!

A truck plowed by, intense sun reflected off the chrome. Mr. X glanced over to Leon, as if to ask, ‘where are we heading?’

As if he read the man’s mind, Leon responded, “We’re heading to… Siberia? Siberia or something.” He continued rambling. “Don’t you think this would be more dramatic if there were a blizzard right now?” Hair flip. 

Suddenly, a tire popped, unable to handle the brutal speed. Smoke billowed from the vehicle. Torn up rubber flew. Leon cut the wheel, crashing into construction roadblocks.

Finally, the vehicle slowed to a stop. The men exited, and Leon began to assess the damage. Hands in his pockets, he gave the blown-out tire a weak kick, feeling like a [checks a list of truck terminology] “big wheel man.” He froze when he noticed the blood pooling from under the truck.

From where he was standing, he could see mangled remains wound up in there. The body was in a very fluorescent jacket, and sporting a healthy sunburn. 

‘Thank goodness this vehicle wasn’t in Leon’s name,’ Leon thunk in third person.

It was hot out. The two men needed shelter. In unison, they turned their heads to the right to see… A CHEAP MOTEL! 

The motel was in disrepair. Windows were broken, and re-sealed with duct tape. Plant life was growing on the roof. The duo headed for the front desk, images of Hitchcock movies dancing in their heads. 

They paid their money and got their key. The door swung open and the two hurried out of the sweltering heat. 

The interior wasn’t nearly as bad as the exterior. A solid 2 star place. 

Leon flopped onto the bare, cigarette-burned mattress. He almost pondered why he was risking it all for Mr. X. Helping him escape arrest. Almost

“X...” The lumbering form eyed him. “I know you know how I like to relax... By getting all hot and sweaty and gross! Let’s go!” 

XL dropped trou and bent over. Leon produced some anal beads from his back pocket… not that way. Or maybe that way oooh ;) 

Leon applied Mr. XYZ jelly to the beads, then carefully inserted them into Mr. X. He began to pull them out one by one. Each pull produced an immense silence of pleasure from the hulking mutant. As he reached the last bead, the string was pulled back in with astonishing force.

[X-Files theme.]

There was a violent knock at the door. “Oh, fuck!” Leon cussed as the rest of the beads escaped his grasp and disappeared into the vast cosmic horror that was Mr. X’s ass. Probably with a slurp. 

The knocking continued. Leon rushed to flush his stash down the toilet, but stopped when he heard a familiar voice: Pillow’s voice.

“Open this damn door!” Another round of bangs. How was a pillow even hitting the door that hard?

Mr. X pulled up his pants. Leon willed his ignored hard-on down, and approached the door. 

The thin, faux-wood-really-board-game-material door was yanked open. Pillow was not alone.

Leon glowered. “James...” 

“Why are you so hostile to me all of a sudden?” 

“Because you are in allegiance with the devil,” Leon spat.

“Enough with the Reverend Trask thing!” James fired back. “I was already on my knees!” The man held Pillow closer to his chest, squeezing mysterious liquids from his feather-filled form. 

“Listen, Leon,” Pillow interrupted. “We know what it’s like to be on the run.”

“Both of you?” He analyzed James. “What are you running from?” 

“All you need to know is I fought my own (very personal) demons too. But afterwards, I had to disappear. I couldn’t return home after what I- what happened.” 

Guilt filled Leon for being so mean to James, knowing this tragic story. “I’m sorry...”

“It wasn’t all bad. I don’t have to shovel the parking lot of my dad’s apartment building anymore. And did you ever see that show Survivorman? Yeah, I lived like that for a while.” 

“Wow!” Leon added, “But what could you possibly have done to-” 

James started barking and snarling. Like that old guy on that news segment about the vicious dogs. 

Leon recoiled. 

“Learned that out in the woods,” James said proudly. 

Leon was confused. “Why?! Why would you need to know that?!” 

“Bears, Leon. Bears trying to drink MY stash of piss.” 

“I thought that was actually really bad for survival situations? It makes dehydration worse or something.”

“It gave me the psychological edge to get through it, Leon!” 

“Okay...” Leon turned to Pillow. 

“What, me?” Pillow pointed a tough corner toward his middle. Very cute.

“Yes. What have you run from?”

“Well, it all started back in ‘67. I met James’ dad when I was born in the back of a shag carpeted Volkswagon.”

“Wait,” Leon interrupted, “you were BORN?”

Pillow nodded. “Yes. I was born out of the manifestations of Frank Sunderland’s mind while he was on the worst bummer of his life. Captain Trips promised him that it was the good stuff from Bear himself. Alas, it turned out to be a batch cooked up in the most vile basement in this country. Anyways, while he was peaking, his friends laid my proto-form under his head. They left him there to ride it out, man, and I slowly formed inside that pillow. By the time he was out of it, I was into it, man. He left in a daze and we didn’t get to know each other until the war.”

“The war...” Leon repeated.

“Yes. Good times! I have a photo if you want to see it. Don’t comment on the hair though, ha ha.”

Pillow produced a faded Polaroid of Pillow and a very young Frank. Both sporting very long hair and standing in front of a big sign surrounded by pine trees. The sign read ‘Welcome to Canada!’. On the back was stapled a half-burnt card.

“Now wait a minute,” Leon interrupted, “Wouldn’t that make you and James brothers since you both ‘came out of’ Frank?”

The air felt a little too V. C. Andrews for everyone involved and they all collectively ignored that good point.

Leon broke the terribly awkward silence. “But I see what you mean. I’m not alone in running from stuff, I guess...” What point was everyone trying to make?

“We’re willing to run away with you, Leon,” said James. It was getting a bit romantic in here. 

“I guess I’d need the help. Seeing how you found us.” Leon chuckled. “How did you, anyway?”

“We could see you through the window,” stated Pillow matter-of-factly.

“Oh...” Leon looked to the large window. Unlike him, it had no curtains. Like him, it had a huge crack. 

“Yeah...” 

There was a banging at the door.

“Oh god there’s a bang at the door!” Pillow cried.

It sounded like it was from someone with high blood pressure. Without answer, the visitor threw the door open. It was Sewell. His pointer-finger cut through the air. “You! All of you!” Hair stuck to his flushed, sweaty forehead. 

“Hi,” James said pleasantly. 

“I had to walk here because someone...” his eyes jumped to James, “stole the police car.” He went on. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t book all four of you.” 

“Because you’re a manifestation,” Pillow said flatly. 

Sewell looked horrified. “What?” He forced a laugh. “That’s not true, that’s...” It made sense. What was his backstory? “What’s my backstory!?” He demanded, as he gripped Pillow. 

The Pillow said nothing.

“Please,” he whined. Blood starting to pour down his face. “I was hired by… Barry? No! The timeline makes no sense…” He ran a hand through his hair. “I was hired because Leon and Mr. X suck at their job, but who hired me!?” 

“what the hell?” 

All eyes landed on Henry. 

“You brought him, really?” complained Leon. Henry was some tough competition for James’ affection. 

Luckily, Henry was enough of a distraction to defuse the situation.

“what the hell if we... go back to the department and have more sundae’s.” The unshaven man spoke softly. “we drop the charges on mr. x and just… stop?” 

“Oh, Henry.” Sewell threw his arm around the man and patted his cheek. “You sure hold this team together.” He had that Sewell look on his face. Again. 

“thanks...” Henry smiled a small, sweet smile. He awkwardly curled his hand around Sewell’s.

Leon tried to telepathically warn Henry, ‘He’s just trying to get into your pants, stupid! He will lay you and leave you!’

Mr. X nodded in agreement with Leon.

Pillow spoke up. “Stop throwing your weight around, Sewell.”

Everyone left the motel room, and piled into the car. Pillow stood outside still. “Well?”

“Well what?” Sewell asked as he ensured everyone buckled up. 

“Who’s going to hold me?”

Sewell rolled his eyes. “That’s not a question to ask me, Cupcake.”

“I mean I need a seat!” 

“Here, baby,” said James as he patted his lap. Pillow lunged for his seat, curling up like a content cat on James’ lap. 

The last car door shut, and the six made their way back to the station. 

When they reached the station, they all sauntered over to their desks. They collectively guessed they should continue with their police work since they were all policemen...they guessed. On one of the desks was an envelope. Leon opened it and read it aloud.

“Due to his extraordinary skills in defusing situations, Henry Townshend has been promoted to the Cannibal Desk.”

“What!?” They yelled in unison.

“the hell!?” Henry finished for them.


	8. Exit, Schooled By A Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hunk arrives to show the gang how it's done.

Henry carefully examined each document contained within the folder laying on his desk.

“What the hell.” He said under his breath. 

The rest of the gang was there just staring at him. They could not do anything since Henry was the head of the Cannibal Desk now and could only take orders from him.

“What the HELL!” Henry yelled.

Pillow sighed and waddled over to see the documents for himself.

“You can’t do that!” Henry cried as he grabbed for Pillow. But Henry failed to realize that Pillow’s war experience was the perfect opportunity to max out his dodge skill and expertly used the attack to dodge his way onto the folder. He quickly scanned it before Henry’s follow up attack in which Pillow dodged his way back beside James.

“What does it say?” James asked.

“The pages are blank. He must have just gathered a bunch of printer paper together into a blank folder to make it look like he is working. The bastard is work dodging!” Pillow pointed a stiffened corner at Henry.

“What the Hell! You’ve been dodging since the war!”

“BECAUSE of the war, thank you Barry much!”

“Did somebody say Barry?” A very big and tough voice said from the door to the hallway. Everybody turned and saw him. It was Big Bad Bumpin’ Grindin’ Barry Burton himself!

“Oh Barry!” Leon cried and ran to give the big bear a hug. Mr. X, seeing the amorous display towards a bear that was not him, stood up and wound up a punch.

“Woah, there!” Barry said and held out his hand, which rested on Leon’s forehead. Leon stood there flailing his arms just out of Barry’s reach as Barry held him fast.

“I don’t like getting mixed up with lovers.”

James and Pillow put comforting hands on each of Mr. X’s shoulders to get him to back down.

“Now,” The big hunk bear said, “I’m not here for any fun times. I am here to see that this case gets done right. The powers that be thawed me out of cold storage to personally supervise you big bunch of failures. I personally hope to teach you a thing or two about detectin’.”

Barry walked over to Henry’s desk and snatched up the case folder. There was a big X written on the front in purple crayon.

“First of all, we do not use crayon to mark official case files.” He tore up the folder like a MAN and tossed the pieces on the floor.

“Second,” He examined the papers, “We actually look at written case files, not blank pieces of paper.” He ate the entire stack of papers in one sexy bite.

Everyone was looking on in shock as they got the best damn education of their lives. Barry continued to rip into their methods for a good 30 minutes before he got tired and had to sit down.

“Is there any good place to get a Jill Sandwich around here?” The big man asked.

“All of the brothels got destroyed weeks ago.” James said with a hint of sadness.

“I’m talking food! I require at least ten thousand calories a day to run this big beautiful body!” He stood up and did a little sexy twirl to show it all off.

“Maybe we can find a spot on the way to our next crime scene.” Leon suggested.

“We don’t have a case yet, you fool!” Barry roared.

Leon whimpered and Mr. X swooped in to comfort him.

Just then the building groaned and shuddered, much like when you remember something embarrassing just before falling asleep. There was a banging noise within the air ducts, then a vent spit something out. Barry sauntered over to find an envelope, fat with papers.

“No fair! Why do your assignments come already finished!?”

“That’s the secret to being a good detective,” Barry clarified with the brightest smile in the world. He held up a cell phone, but a 1998 cell phone that looked like a WW2 walkie talkie. “I usually just call Homework Hut.” 

Little did he know… The Amanda Show would come out in a year, blowing the whistle on Homework Hut. But until then, Homework Hut would prove to be a very convenient plot device. 

“Now,” Barry put the communication device/paper weight away, “Let’s go get something to eat.” 

The cast had to take two cars, to accommodate the growing roster of nonsense. Resident Evil in one car, Silent Hill following in another. 

Driving down the street on a sunny day, Leon asked, “where are we going?” 

“I have a feeling in my bones I’m gonna have my way,” replied Barry. (Hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba)

“Soooo… McDonalds?” Leon asked again, hoping Barry was hitting on him. But in reality, Barry just liked cowpunk. 

Just then, the car swerved, before parking (very neatly) into the McDonalds parking lot. Sewell pulled up next to them, but very sloppily because Sewell is the worst. Our cast of losers exited from every door. 

Leon began a hair flip, surprising everyone when it became apparent that it was the start of a magical girl transformation scene. The six (sechs) (sex) men stared at Leon, now in daisy dukes and a wet tank top. On his feet, rollerblades. In each hand, an ice cream cone. 

“What? This is what I always wear off the clock.” The sentence was punctuated by the blowing of bubble gum. 

Sewell wished he was that bubble gum. As did Pillow, who was more vocal about his desires. 

Mr. X picked up the rollerskate skinny man, mostly to assert the fact he and Leon were in a very monogamous relationship. Very! He only managed a few steps before encountering the door, having to set Leon down to duck.

The group approached a very bored-looking employee. He gave off an air of shaky normalcy. Almost like his world was still being pieced together after [REDACTED]. Blood-shot eyes scanned each face. 

Barry spoke for the crowd. “I'll have two number 9's, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45's, one with cheese, and a large soda."

The reader felt disgusted by the mention of a dead meme, but like… GTA: San Andreas came out in 2004. If it was still funny in 2017, it's still funny now. 

The order was being processed, and everybody awkwardly moved over to the soda fountain, where they awkwardly waited until their tower of food was brought to the cash register. 

Barry took the food and found a seat. 

“So, Barry… You were with Chris recently.” 

“Yes.”

“I know this girl, Claire. She’s been looking for him.”

“A lot of girls are, Leon.” 

“Huh?”

“Never mind, finish what you were saying...”

“Anyway, Claire’s his sister. She’s been looking for him. Didn’t really give a reason. Just said she hasn’t heard from him in a while.” Leon tossed a photo Barry’s way. “Maybe this will help you make a few mental connections...” 

And mental connections he made. Soda sprayed all over the table and it’s occupants when Barry saw the picture. He’d seen the women “keeping Chris company” in Amsterdam. He’d seen this Claire, too, but always assumed it was Chris’ girlfriend. The whole thing played out like a Folgers Christmas coffee commercial.

The bear quickly got up, making the chair make that awful metal sound. “I’ve got to go…”

“Can’t you help?” Leon sounded defeated. 

“I—uh… No. No, I can’t. I’m sorry.” 

He jumped into the Silent Hill car to grab a flight to Amsterdam and stop Chris’ reign of terror. 

“I kinda liked that guy.” Pillow threw out there.

The rest shrugged and evenly divided up the massive order of food. Pillow ended up with most of it since he had a bottomless stomach.

“Do you still eat a lot, Pillow?” James asked.

“What kind of question is that?”

“Just trying to make some small talk.” James started to tear up.

“Yes, I do. Happy?”

“Sad.”

“You’re always sad.”

James just nodded in agreement.

“Well cupcakes, I think it’s time we go find a case to try out our new detecting knowledge.” Sewl said with a smile and they all piled into the remaining car.

When they got to the police department, they each sat down at their respective desks and stared at each other.

“When are we going to get our paychecks?” Pillow asked.

“We don’t get them until we arrest somebody.” Leon said.

“What about that one guy you arrested way back? Mad something..”

“We had to let him go due to human rights violations on our part.” Leon answered.

“What?” Pillow asked.

“Yeah apparently we didn’t feed him enough or something. I mean we did kinda forget he was there.”

They all nodded and stared ahead with soulless eyes.

Then, the building made that noise like it had eaten a big bowl of beans and sausage about five hours ago. Out popped a slimy file that floated its way down onto Henry’s desk.

“What the hell?”

He picked it up and began to read.


	9. Wake up (wakeup) wakeupwakeupwakeup wake up wake up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The focus turned from dream analysis to Claire somehow.

The air was humid and it was too hot for a blanket. Too hot for clothes, too, according to Henry’s naked form on top of him. 

Pillow had spent the night laying under Henry, passively absorbing his dreams. Pillow considered spicing up the dreams. Maybe add Mr. Bubz or something. He promptly did so. 

Henry violently twitched. (Yeah, he got him. He got it on camera.)

Pillow actually felt kinda bad. Henry’s mind was already terrifying enough. Giant, pointing babies. Ghosts. Crawling out of massive holes. H.R. Giger would have a field day with the birth-trauma themes present. 

Clearly, the guy had mom issues, but besides that, they were comforting. Gave Pillow a similar feeling James did, minus the graphic sexuality. But there was someone else’s dreams Henry’s felt similar too…

Frank…

“Hey… Hey!” Pillow tapped the man’s forehead. 

“Huh!?” 

“I want to talk to you,” said Pillow. “About the apartment.” 

Henry wrestled with a sheet, and barely managed to cover himself. “i slept on you by mistake. please, forget whatever you saw.”

“Listen.” The tone was serious. “What you experienced wasn’t what you think it was.”

“(lowercase silence...)” 

“Okay, long story short: I know Frank Sunderland inside and out. I’m pretty much a manifestation of the guy’s freak out.” 

“...” 

“Don’t interrupt!” The pillow softened. ha. “I know Frank’s bad trips, Henry, and that’s what your dreams feel like. Do you see what I’m saying?” 

“no.” 

“I’m saying you somehow got caught in one of his acid flashbacks. There was no Kurt Cobain, Henry! None of it was real!”

“so… you’re not real?” 

“Don’t ask stupid questions, Henry,” Pillow answered.

The sexual tension was belligerent. The two began wildly making out. 

James entered the room at exactly one third of the way through the make out session. He let out a groan of pain. The pillow and the introvert ceased their love and scrambled to dress themselves.

“What… what are you two doing?” James asked.

“we were just...” Henry tried to think of an excuse.

“Sleeping!” Pillow finished for him.

James’ eyes narrowed as he observed the two.

“You are a pillow aren’t you...” James said, buying the excuse.

Pillow gave him a reassuring smile and James let the subject go.

“I came here to tell you two that you’re going to be late for the ceremony.”

“what the hell?” Henry asked.

“Good grief! THE ceremony! I forgot it was tonight!” Pillow rushed to the closet to get his ceremonial robes. He returned wearing it and with the rest of the robes under his arm as they made their way to the basement.

They had chosen the section of the basement past the parking garage where it was all stone and dampness. The rest of the gang was already there awaiting for the arrival of MC Pillow. Pillow handed out the robes and then gave the signal for Mr. X to bring in the potential recruit.

Mr. X pushed in a reluctant woman dressed in a red leather romper. Her hands were bound and there was a blind fold over her eyes.

“This isn’t some kind of frat boy hazing is it?” The mysterious woman asked.

A waft of smoke reached her nostrils as the last word was uttered. To her, it smelled like a skunk smoking a cigarette.

“The only haze around here is purple, ma’am.” Said Pillow who then let out the most lung tearing cough the likes of which no stoner had ever heard.

Pillow handed Sewel a pill and pointed to the recruit.

“Take this pill miss...” Pillow said to her.

“Claire. Claire Redfield. I came here for an interview, not to do drugs with a bunch of nerds.”

“We are not nerds!” Pillow screamed and shook violently. “This is the initiation ceremony that every member of the Raccoon City Police Force has gone through. Besides, the pill is Ibuprofen. That’s just incase the incense gives you a headache.”

Incense filled the room as Claire was directed to the center of the room where a giant circle was drawn imperfectly with white chalk. The members surrounded her and Pillow stood in front. He pulled out his ceremonial tome and opened to the appropriate page for police initiations.

“Are you ready Miss Redfield?” Pillow asked.

“If it secures this job I am.” She replied.

Pillow cleared his throat and began.

“We’re playing with the world.”

Claire could feel air move very slightly.

“We’re playing with the world!”

Claire could see a little bit of light near the bottom of her blindfold and the air began to get warm.

“If there is nothing out there except space, outside consciousness, the universe itself is unafraid!”

The incense and the air moved a little faster.

“When a love song has gone wrong, where does a sad girl go? Where does a sad girl go when the love song is over? We’re playing with the world.”

“Eep eep eep eep eep eep!” The rest circling Claire chimed in.

“We’re playing with the world!”

“Eep eep eep eep eep eep!” They added in a little louder this time.

“Alright that’s enough!” Claire yelled, ripped her hands free, and tore off her blindfold. She took a good look around at the group of five men and one pillow dressed in fluorescent rainbow robes and made up her mind.

“You freaks brought me down here to do drugs after all!”

“I assure you we wouldn’t waste our drugs on a recruit.” Pillow said.

“Then why am I being led through a ceremony by a sentient pillow and a group of brightly dressed hippies?” She asked, making the best point.

Pillow was at a loss for words and could only watch as Claire stormed out.  
She made it home just before dawn. She went inside and was preparing to take a bath when the phone rang. She picked it up.

“Hello?” She asked into the receiver.

“Miss Redfield?”

“That’s me.”

“This is police dispatch, we wanted to inform you that we have Chris.”

“What!? Is this a ransom?”

“What? No! We have him in custody. The state looks down on sodomy, ma’am.”

“What does that have to do with Chris?”

“Uhhhhh” The voice said and then there was a loud cough from the other end.

Claire hung up the phone. 

“Damn crank callers!” She yelled to nobody. She decided then and there that she need that police job. It was the only way anything would get done about the missing Chris.

The next morning she showed up to the police station again. This time she was going to get that interview.

“I am going to get that interview!” Claire yelled at Sewel, who as pulling watch at the front door at that time of day.

“Alright, I’ll send a message to pillow.” 

He whispered something into the collar of his shirt and then stared Claire down.

After they awkwardly stood there for ten minutes, Claire started to get impatient.

“You don’t actually have a mic on you, do you?”

Sewel silently admitted defeat and walked into the police station. He came back five minutes later and motioned for Claire to come in. 

Just inside the door was set up a couple of armchairs. One was occupied by Pillow and the other was empty. Sewel pointed Claire to the empty chair. As soon as she sat down Sewel returned to watch duty. 

When the front door closed they heard a yell and a few gunshots.

“Is he going to be okay?” Claire asked Pillow.

“Ah, good first impression. All cops should care about their fellow officers. Do not worry about Sewel, he is just blowing off some steam. I always replace his live ammunition with blanks in anticipation for such occasions.”

Claire relaxed and awaited the questioning.

“First, why do you want to be a police officer?”

“Because I want to find my brother, Chris.”

Pillow pondered the answer.

“That seems a little selfish...”

“Okay. Actually, I want to help the community.”

“There we go!” Pillow wrote something down on a piece of paper.

“Okay. Now, what was your previous occupation?”

Claire thought a minute before answering.

“I have never held a job, but, I have gone to college for motorcycle customization.”

Pillow looked excited.

“We could use a mechanic! Alright, last question what… is your favorite color?”

“Red!” Claire answered quickly.

“Well said! We need a red in here. Miss Redfield, I am proud to say that you’re hired! When can you start?”

“As soon as you need me.” Before her vocal cords ceased vibrating at the end of ‘me’ she was hit in the face by a police uniform.

“Your first assignment is relieving Sewel of his watch duties. He’s been out there for nine hours straight.” Pillow ordered.

“Do I get time to change into my uniform?”

“Yes, but make it quick!”

She raced to the bathroom, changed, and raced back to the front door. Pillow clicked a stop watch when she laid her hand on the handle.

“Under a minute. Very impressive, Officer Redfield.”

Sewel scrambled inside at the sight of the uniformed Claire. She sat down on the metal folding chair that was set up by the door and waited.

After a couple hours of watch, the front door opened and a prettyboy emerged.

“Claire!?”

“Leon!?”

They stared each other down.

“When did you join the force?” Leon asked, astonished.

“About two hours ago.” She said as she checked her watch.

“What made you decide to join?”

Claire bit her lip and looked away.

“I was… looking for some heteroerotic attention.”

Leon blushed and stepped back.

“So you haven’t heard...”

“Heard what?” Claire asked, feeling like she was going to be hurt.

“You see… Mr. X and I...”

She felt hurt.

“You’re dating that brute!?” She stood up and readied herself to be on the offensive.

“Listen, I don’t want to get into the story of how I learned to love those fists of his. It’s not abusive, just so you know.” 

Claire screamed in rage.

“I can’t have a heteroromantic relationship with anyone but YOU, Leon!”

“There must be somebody...”

“what the hell?” Came a voice from the doorway. Claire’s heart throbbed.

“Hey handsome.” She said to the introvert in the doorway.

“hell!” He said, slipped back inside, and slammed the door.

“Dammit!” She stomped the ground hard.

“It wouldn’t work anyways. Pillow strictly forbids amorous relations between officers.” 

“But what about you and Mr. X?” She asked, dishing out good points.

Leon blushed and retreated back inside.

“Somebody’s GOT to be bisexual...” She pondered for the rest of her long and miserable watch duty.


	10. Bi Bi Bi (Bi Bi)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire goes out to get herself a MAN.

Claire awoke to sunlight rudely shining in her face. She’d recently moved, and had yet to unpack or put up blinds. She looked at her alarm, praying she’d have time to go back to sleep.

The clock illuminated 6:00a.m. 

“Dammit!”

The sluggish woman got up, pretty sure she wasn’t old enough for her joints to be making that much noise. Pops ran up her entire spine. Each limb clicked.

Heavy footfalls made their way to the main room: a living room/kitchen, the two separated by only a counter acting as a half-wall. She pulled a frozen burger out of the freezer. She removed the plastic, and set the microwave to 2 minutes. 

As soon as the microwave beeped, her hands flew to grab that burger. She began to eat it like that truck driver guy at 1000% facial animation.

I’m tired of writing about Claire’s morning. But anyway, she went to the bathroom to shit, shower, and shave. No! She brushed her teeth and… applied makeup, I guess. 

She analyzed her reflection in the piss (ha) poor bathroom lighting, she made a conclusion: she needed to look more professional. This wasn’t motorcycle school anymore.

Tired of the ponytail equation, Claire tied her hair into a bun. She’d picked the outfit out last night: a floral dress with a soft pink cardigan layered on top. Claire pondered if this outfit was a good idea. She would have to wear a uniform, wouldn’t she? No. She was hired by a sentient pillow. 

She hopped onto her motorcycle and began her trip to work.

Heels clicked as she walked into the station. The heavy door latched behind her. There was a gasp, followed by the thud of a folder of Homework Hut-provided evidence and paperwork.

Claire locked eyes with James, making me add F/M to this fic’s tags. Some hot woman on man eye contact. 

“I can’t believe it! You could be her twin… Your hair, your clothes… Just your face and voice are different,” James stumbled through the conversation. “And the tiny details of your outfit. Those are different, too. Mary wouldn’t wear a gaudy necklace like that.”

Claire’s face dropped. Worried she looked like a ghost of his past or something. “My name is Claire. Do I look like your girlfriend?” 

“No… My late wife...” James was visibly distraught. “You’re really not Mary… Sorry, I was confused.” He began to pull away from the conversation.

‘Dammit! Emotional baggage!’ Claire thought. She tried to save her chances. “Where are you going?”

James turned back around to face Claire. “I’m going to look for Mary.” 

Claire had a moment of lucidity. “Didn’t you say she died?” This was an Oh Shit moment. 

Just then Pillow somersaulted in. He stopped dead in his tracks beside James. “He meant she’s his ex. Like ‘She’s dead to me!’ Right, James?” He turned towards James. “I thought you were over her.” The pillow’s tone was curt. “We’ll talk about this later. Get back to work.” 

James crouched down and collected the documents. Once he had them in a messy pile, he walked off, leaving Claire with Pillow. 

“Stay away from my man, Claire.” 

“What!?” 

He answered her question with another. “What’s with that outfit?” His voice growing higher and tighter with poorly-restrained anger.

“You mean a knee-length dress and a cardigan?” 

“You’re not wearing your uniform.” 

“I have yet to see anyone besides Leon wear the uniform.” 

“To be fair, I think Leon’s the only real employee here.” He paused. “No! Wait! Barry and Henry are real... Maybe.” 

“Huh?”

“Pretty much everyone else is a manifestation, or just showed up one day and started filing papers.”

“Huh??”

“Stay away from James!” 

Pillow tossed Claire a uniform, who begrudgingly took it and went to get changed. 

Now in a Leon costume and feeling resentful about it, Claire decided to sit at Leon’s desk. Absolutely rebellious. 

While reading Leon’s diary, Claire had a lot of things to ponder. First of all, what did Pillow mean by ‘manifestation?’ Was James into her, or her Mary cosplay? What does “feltching” mean?

The door suddenly slammed open. Claire jumped and hurried to put the diary back where she found it. 

“Claire!” Leon quickly turned away from her. “What are you doing at my desk?” 

“Oh, just sitting...” She fake laughed and tried to play it cool. 

He ignored her, busy trying to wipe something off his clothing. He gave up. “I need a change of clothes,” he muttered to himself. 

Just then Claire got an idea. “Hey, you can wear this uniform.” 

Leon’s grin was blinding. “Thanks, Claire.” 

The two headed to the restrooms. Still, as they walked, Leon would not look at Claire straight on.

“What’s wrong with your clothes anyway?” 

“X gave me a pearl necklace.” 

Claire perked up. “That’s. So. Cute!” She pictured Mr. X lumbering into a jewelry store, buying Leon gifts.

“It’s… Not the kind that costs a lot.” 

“It’s the thought that counts, not the-- Oh...” 

“Yeah… ‘Oh...’”

“Is… that allowed on the clock?”

Before that could be answered, they reached the bathrooms. Claire entered the ladies room, changed back into her Mary clothes, and exited to hand Leon the uniform. It was still warm, and smelled like Clinique Happy perfume. Leon quickly went to change.

Leon thanked Claire, but the awkward air could not be ignored. The duo parted, Claire planning to begin the investigation into the disappearance of her brother.

Before she could reach Leon’s diary – she was itching to find out why that tapioca was so happy – she bumped into James again. 

Her voice was bubbly. “Oh, hello again.” She glanced down and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “I was hoping I’d see you again. Do you want to do anything after work? Maybe get a coffee or something?”

James enthusiastically agreed. 

“Wow! Really? I thought you played strictly for the other team.” A toast to Claire’s big mouth, everybody.

“I had a wife...”

“Yeah, but--”

“But?”

“Everyone here’s made out with each other.”

“That is a lie!”

“I’m-- I’m sorr--”

“I have never had the pleasure of making out with Barry!” 

“All I’m saying is the atmosphere here is very homoerotic.” 

“Yeah, it’s the fog.”

“The fog? You mean this thick, heavy fog that’s been here for weeks?”

“The very one.” 

“Explain further, James.”

“So, back in Silent Hill, there’s this lake called Toluca Lake.”

“Not Lake Toluca?”

“No! Certainly not Lake Toluca. We are in MAINE!!!!” 

“We’re not in Maine, we’re in… some boring Midwestern state.”

“Regardless… Toluca Lake has a weirdly erotic affect on all males. When you walk through the fog that the lake emanates, you get an erection. Simple as that. No matter what. One of natures many quirks.” 

“Very interesting.” 

“Yes.”

“Then… why so Mann Gegen Mann?” 

Sewell called out from the next room, “Don’t reference Downpour, please.” Ignoring that he himself is a Silent Hill Downfall reference… And also the leash thing he’s thinking of was in the Mein Teil music video. 

“Situational homosexuality, Claire.”

“So… Why did Leon reject me for Mr. X?”

“Because...” He threw a platonic arm over Claire’s shoulders. “It’s not just situational for him.”

[Canned cheering and Full House theme roars as the camera freezes. Credits start to roll.]


	11. Duel Survival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when you have two cool jackets within a 10 meter radius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who played the new Blair Witch game? And also who struggles to not capitalize every noun now?

Leon found himself in the woods. The ground beneath him a soft, twisted carpet of dead tree roots and decades worth of fallen leaves. “Now, this is a fire hazard.” 

Pillow, who was being carried by Leon, craned his face up to meet eyes. “What do you mean?”

“All this forest debris. If a fire broke out, it’d be all over. This place is really in need of a controlled burn.”

A small, orange light flickered. Leon looked down to see Pillow holding a match. Quickly, he licked his thumb, and extinguished the flame. “No.” 

They stopped walking as a campsite came into view. It was simple enough: a tent, the ashes of a fire, a printed wikihow on how to gut a deer. The usual. 

“Okay...” Hair flip. Leon readjusted his grasp on Pillow. Leon had a lot of questions. Why were they out here? Alone no less. And why did Pillow insist he steal James’ jacket. Leon prayed this wasn’t a sex thing.

“Leon, you up for a quickie?” said the feather-stuffed man, gesturing towards the tent. It was a sex thing!

“No?” Leon answered with a question, then added. “What about James?”

Pillow’s aura suddenly turned gloomy. “Don’t mention him.” 

“Alright, but I have to ask… What are we doing out here?”

“I’m looking for someone.”

“Why not just call Homework Hut?”

“It’s too dangerous for them.” 

“What!? Then why are we out here alone?”

“We aren’t alone.” The words sent a chill through Leon.

“Hey, Leon!” Came a muffled voice. 

“What the fuck?!” 

“Calm down. It’s just Jacket Sunderland.”

“Jacket… Sunderland...” 

“That’s me!” 

“Okay… A sentient jacket...” This was a lot to take in. “I assume you--” Leon looked for the right words, “Share a similar backstory to Pillow.”

“No,” said the muffled voice. “Pillow is all bad trips and Freudian id. I’m a lovechild.” Jacket continued. “Frank was all about free love.”

Leon set Pillow down and started stripping off the coat. He was really starting to tickle. Jacket (ironically) shivered. 

Pillow translated. “Frank banged a lot of guys for their drugs.” He added, “Oh! And he thinks himself an artist.”

“Is that what these drawings I keep finding in the pockets are???” Leon pulled a folded napkin out of the front pocket. It was a very flattering sketch of himself being spit-roasted by two Jameses. Leon looked over another drawing: it was a very Art-Nouveau depiction of Henry in the “Italian Chandelier” position with Sewell. Leon put them into his jean pockets for later use. 

Jacket nodded. 

“God! I was thinking James was some kind of sex pervert.” 

“He is, but, yeah, those are mine.” 

The trio continued walking in silence. It was like this for a few minutes until Leon asked, “Why did we make sense to you, Pillow?” 

“What do you mean?”

“I get you’re looking for someone, but why did I have to take you? And why does Jacket have to be here?” 

“We could all be considered accessories,” Pillow stated matter-of-factly, like that made any sense at all.

“Huh???”

“Jacket’s a jacket, I could be considered a face mask--”

“And I’m… What? A piece of arm candy? Ha-ha, asshole...”

“No. Not arm candy.”

“What then? I’m not just some accessory to Mr. X.”

“I saw him wearing you like a condom last night.”

This gave Leon pause. 

Jacket, Face Mask, Condom. Really, the only clothes you need.  
The group came to a halt as a campsite came into view. It was simple enough: a tent, the ashes of a fire, a printed wikihow on how to gut a deer. It felt… eerily familiar. 

Leon muttered, “what the Hell? Are we walking in... circles?”

“Yes, Henry,” mocked Pillow. 

“Okay, it’s about time you give me some answers, Pillow!”

“Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. Can you repeat that--” was all that Pillow had time to say before Leon started pushing his pillowy form into a gross pot of moldy food. “Stop! Okay! I’m looking for Ellis!” 

“Ellis, huh...”

“Yes, Ellis. He came here looking for some missing kid, and nobody’s seen him since.”

“He had a dog, too!” Frantically added Jacket.

Leon cooled his jets. Though willing to help, he wondered why Pillow would want to save anyone. 

Pillow saw the question on Leon’s face. “James broke up with me. And now I’m off to get myself another man.” This was the grimmest Leon had ever seen a pillow look. 

Leon had his doubts about the situation. Pillow’s insistence on this one man made Leon feel Pillow just saw James in Ellis. It wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t fair to Ellis, and it wasn’t fair to Pillow if that was the case. But he kept quiet. Leon was going to help find this man and – more importantly – his dog regardless. Also, Pillow can kinda-sorta read minds or something, so he probably already knows Leon’s feelings on the matter. 

As the group looked for clues around the campsite, Pillow made small comments about Ellis here and there. Most of them confirming Leon’s suspicions.

“Ellis has a cool jacket, just like James!”

“Ellis is haunted by – Oh, yeah… that similarity would say something incriminating about James lol” 

“Ellis has also spent a lot of time in the woods.” He then added. “I don’t jack off to Dual Survival, you do!” Cody and Joe = OTP, thank you.

“Ellis has a hot body, just like James!” 

Suddenly, Leon heard barking behind him. He quick turned. The barking was still behind him. He quick turned again. Still behind him. 

It was Jacket barking.

But wait! There’s more barking. Two sets of barks. From the distance, emerged a man and his dog. Dog, barking. That made sense. But there was another bark. His jacket was barking too!

As he drew closer, the jackets’ barking grew more and more intense. Suddenly, the jackets flew off their respective owners and began to tussle. 

“Stop it, you two!” Leon yelled as one began to mount the other. 

“It’s a dominance thing for jackets,” said Pillow.

Jacket Sunderland produced a hackey sack from his own pocket and began to smother the other jacket. 

“Enough!” Leon intervened, tossing Jacket off the other. The jackets whimpered. Ellis’ jacket scampered off, sleeves tucked between their legs. 

“My ride’s here,” said Pillow. “Leave, losers. That means you, too, Bullet. Get out of here.” 

The good pup bit down on Pillow’s pillowy form, and began shaking the life out of the sentient lump of unfluffed stuffing. It made that cartoon sound effect from track 11 of Rammstein’s Sehnsucht, Küss mich (You know the one.) (Unless you listen to music exclusively on YouTube. Freeloaders.) 

(Also, any of you remember those t.A.T.u./Rammstein remixes? Some good shit. And that stuff is on YouTube. No excuses. Support whoever makes bootlegs.)

Ellis bent down and calmly removed the fabric abomination before he lost his stuffing. Bullet reluctantly allowed this and promptly whimpered at a pile of sticks.

“I thought you promised no narcs. Do you know how many strings I had to pull to get out here? It’s very difficult to fake a missing child case!” Ellis was losing his temper.

“Ellis, baby, these are my bodyguards. I wouldn’t want to waste my expert dodging skills on some bear. Unless we’re in a leather bar, that is.” Pillow made a sexy growl after the last sentence.

And there it is again. Another lame sex joke. 

“Alright, Bullet. Stay next to me, or else I’m going to remember the war.”

“Which war, exactly, Ellis?” Asked Pillow, noting the World War One trench shovel, the Vietnam-era helicopter sounds, and the weirdly modern battle dress uniform in his memories. 

“Uhhh...” 

Sensing Ellis’ discomfort, Bullet came to the rescue. The good pup resumed his violent Pillow fluffing. “AhhhHHHH!! HOLY SHIT!” Screamed Pillow. That’s all he’s got. That’s all he’s got. Oh, my god! That;’s all he’s got. 0Ahhhhh HOLY SHGIIIIT> (laugh typing I felt like immortalizing)

Ellis was watching in terror. He turned to Leon. “Aren’t you going to help him!?”

“Give him another minute,” said Leon.

“AHHHhhHH HOLY SHIT!”x60 seconds. 

“Heel, boy!” Ellis yelled.

Bullet immediately dropped pillow and sat at Ellis’ side. What a good boy. Ellis gave him many pets, making sure to especially get behind the ears.

Pillow lay on the ground in several pieces.

“Get me… a… Dust-Off.” Pillow said to Leon.

“I don’t understand your poetry, Pillow, but I’ve got some morphine and a bandage.”

“That’ll...do...” Pillow said and then went limp. 

Leon patched Pillow up. By this time the jackets had sniffed each other’s butts to obtain the relevant information. They were quickly play fighting, complete with friendly sneezing.

“Those are some good boys. How old is yours?” Ellis asked Leon.

“Oh, Jacket? He’s actually my friend’s. We brought him out here for a… walk?”

“This isn’t the best place to take your pet. You could get lost out here.”

“Why did you bring yours then?”

Ellis went silent at that damn good point.

Suddenly, a red flash. Are we ripping off Suspiria? No! There was a blue flash. Then the pattern repeated and repeated. It was a police car. 

“I am fed up with this shit,” muttered Sewell as he slowly got out of the vehicle, his joints creaked and popped with every move. 

With him was James.

“James! You came to get me!” Pillow was ecstatic. His smile fell as he saw Claire exiting the car after him. The two held hands. “Oh… Still diving for catfish?”

James’ eyes landed on Ellis. “Who’s this,” he asked in an annoyed tone. 

“Everybody, calm down,” pleaded Jacket.

“Et Tu, Lorica?” James was distraught, seeing Jacket draped over Leon’s shoulders. 

James quit. He got back in the car, like a moody teenager at a family BBQ. Probably drinking an energy drink and thinking about how he is such a deep, unique individual. Nothing at all like his parents. Rebellion is a new thing.

Sewell could hear Nine Inch Males’ “Closer” seeping through the metal. He tugged on the door handle. It was locked. He had an ass-backwards cop car with doors that locked the other way around. “Come on, Princess. We don’t have time for this.” He sighed. “Should’ve brought Henry.” 

Claire moved Sewell out of the way, and tapped on the glass. James looked away. Pillow looked hopeful. 

‘Yes, James!’ Pillow thought. ‘Reject her!’

James opened the door. 

Pillow was roughly picked up by Leon. Everybody piled into the car. It was cramped. No one was looking forward to the long ride like this. 

“Wait… what happened to the car you drove here, Leon?”

“I didn’t drive here. I hitched a ride.” He opened his mouth to elaborate, but the car shushed him. Nobody wants to read my Leon/Travis Grady (in that order) fanfiction. 

But just so you know, Pillow filmed the whole thing, and got sloppy seconds. Also, Travis is a power bottom. He loves it.

But that’s a story for another time...


	12. Poetry Slam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best way to express yourself is through art.

Oh no! The author forgot Jacket Sunderland back in Maryland... Or (whenever) wherever.

The city was covered in Lost Pet fliers. Each sporting a picture of an M-65 field jacket stolen from an eBay listing. You can see the bids and everything. The police station was flooded with calls from concerned citizens saying they’d never seen a military surplus jacket in Near Mint condition. Also, were they selling Beanie Babies? They’re going to be worth something some day. 

Pillow was listening to No Doubt’s “Ex-Girlfriend,” and crying into a password journal. 

Leon sat across from him, completely unaware of Pillow’s angst. 

James entered the room. In his arms, hundreds of Homework Hut folders. “Hey, Leon… Can you help me with these?”

“Sure.”

The two began filing away the folders. The sounds of cabinets opening and closing was grating on Pillow’s… awareness of sound. 

“Leon, James has a small pea-nus. How could you help a man with a small pea-nus?”

“I-- uhhh...” stammered Leon.

The fighting continued. Pillow and James, never directly talking to each other, but telling Leon to relay the message.

“I have had it!” Leon exclaimed. “You guys need healthier ways to express your emotions.”

“Leon, aren’t we all a bit too old for diaries?” James’ tone was condescending. 

Pillow and Leon both flinched, their feelings hurt. You’re never too old for diaries. 

“I mean we should express our feelings through art.” 

“Like Jacket did?”

“He didn’t really express anything besides a burning desire to raw dog us all,” Leon answered.

Pillow chimed in with a “What else is there to express?” 

“Well…” Leon thought about it really hard. “Sadness. Anger too. Or that feeling when you change something about your appearance and everyone compliments you, but you start to wonder if you really looked that bad just the day before.”

“So you just… complain using paint?”

“Or rhymes.” 

“Wowies!” 

The conversation just kind of ended. An awkward silence ensued. Five minutes passed. Then ten. Finally…

“So… you guys have any plans to express yourselves?” 

“No,” said Pillow and James in unison. 

Leon thought longer and harder than anything he’s ever encountered before. He knew he had to get these two expressing their emotions, or there’d forever be this bad energy in the station. 

He had an idea.

“I have an idea! We should do a poetry reading event.”

Pillow groaned. James just kinda looked low-poly and stupid. 

“It’ll be fun! Trust me.”

One week later, everything was in motion. There wasn’t really much to organize. It wasn’t a public event. They just needed everyone to write a poem, and stay for a couple hours after work to read them. The event was that very night, and things looked hopeful. 

After work, everyone gathered into the main hall. Everyone sat on the floor, facing the front door. The lights were dim, and the room was echoy. Atmosphere. 

First was Mr. X. Stomping footsteps made their way up the stairs leading to the door, a makeshift stage. Everyone was incredibly curious. What would he do? He can’t even talk. I’ll have you know Mr. X doesn’t need to talk. Besides, he knows a few words. Good words, too.

The hulking man stood there. He made a “come here” motion. Leon scampered quickly towards him before coming to a stop on all fours in front of XL. 

Everyone was in awe as XL began to completely and totally spank the fuck outta Leon. Rapid, unrelenting spanks. How was he spanking him so fast? Leon, only occasionally letting out moans of pain/pleasure.

Pillow quickly pulled out a tape recorder and began recording the sounds. It was a good rhythm, and Pillow wasn’t going to NOT sample it. 

Suddenly, there was silence. Mr. X stomped back to his seat. Leon seemed surprisingly – or not – unphased by the brutality inflicted on his behind. 

Genuine clapping echoed through the too-large room. It was impressive. 

“Might as well recite my poem while I’m up here, huh? I call it My Human Eiffel Tower…” 

Leon cleared his throat. 

“French kisses flowing from your hips. And it seems like fairies flying. Moisten tender eyes and lips. And it feels like angels crying.”

Sewell placed his burning face in his palm. “dear god...” he muttered. The rest of the audience hadn’t yet caught on to the meaning. Well, except for Mr. X, but he nodded approvingly. 

Leon was getting really, really into it. Suspiciously into it, in fact. He continued, “Let it rain, don’t be blunt. Let it rain, what a stunt. Let it rain, make me grunt. Let it rain from your pretty--”

“No!” Cried Sewell, realizing what all these words rhymed with. He could feel eyes burning into him.

“Wow, Sewell. Rude. Very rude.” 

Leon refused to finish reading his poem. Instead, he went to sit by XL, who comforted him. Most were shocked Leon could even sit. 

Next was Claire. She had spring in her step, as she hurried up to the ‘stage,’ crumpled paper clutched in her hand. 

“One, two, ready go!” 

“I’m tired of boys who make me cry. They cheat on me and they tell me lies. I want a love who’ll never stray. When he sees other girls, he looks away--”

“Ha!” Pillow interrupted. “James is the least faithful guy in this room.”

“What do you know?” Claire shot back. 

“I know James better than anyone else.”

Claire opened her mouth to say something.

“in a biblical sense,” Pillow specified. 

Claire made a beeline for the pillow and punched him. Viscous fluid oozed from him. “Fucking gross!” 

“So, I guess it’s time for me to read my poem.” Everyone’s eyes landed on a blonde. She stood there in a white vest and green skirt. “My poem is titled Praise Abort.” 

“Who the hell are you?” said Sewell. 

“Heather.”

“Get outta here, kid. This isn’t a public event.” 

The condescending worked. Heather swung open the heavy, wooden doors and left. 

“i appreciate how commanding you can be while sitting criss cross applesauce,” mumbled Henry. 

Sewell was amazed by how cute Henry could be. The two began making out wildly. OTP. 

Henry, In reality, was pretending Sewell was Richard Braintree. He really had a thing for middle-aged guys with anger issues. He burned for Braintree. Sadly, Richard died and became a ghost, and Henry had to stab him in the back with a sword of a different kind.

… Or did that really happen?

“I told you, Henry. There was no Kurt Cobain.”

Henry made a mental note to contact Braintree. 

It was James’ turn to read his poem. It just consisted of him holding a chainsaw over his head and screaming “Do you want to die together? Yes, I do!”

Claire began to recalculate whether this relationship would work out. I mean, his poem doesn’t even rhyme. 

After a bout of polite clapping, it was Henry’s turn.

“it’s sometimes just like sleeping, curling up inside my private tortures.” The audience strained to hear. “i nestle into pain, hug suffering, caress every ache. i play dead, it stops the hurting.” 

There’s a small amount of confused applause. Henry flushed and awkwardly walks off, feeling insecure in even his walking with everyone looking at him. 

“0/10, Henry. That wasn’t upbeat and sexually aggressive at all,” reviewed Pillow. 

Henry spent the rest of the night picking at his nails, wishing he wasn’t there.

Sewell’s turn. 

“I call this Jail House Rock.”

The crowd went… wild, but in a bad way? “Boo!!! No Elvis!” 

Sewell’s turn was over. 

Next...was Pillow’s turn.

“You’re all gonna enjoy this” The sentient pillow said as he half waddled, half rolled up to the make shift stage. He ruffled a tough corner thorough what appeared to be a pocket and produced a heavily used scrap of paper.

“Ahem...”

Suddenly the group heard very loud, very poorly recorded drums and distorted guitar coming from the direction of the stage.

“Revengeful corpse out to kill  
Smell the stench, your guts will spill  
Vomit for a mind, maggots for a cock  
With his axe the corpse will chop 

Drink from the goblet, the goblet of gore  
Taste the zombie's drug, now you want more  
Drifting from the living, joining with the dead  
Zombie dwelling maggots, now infest your head  
Zombie ritual  
Zombie ritual”  
When the pillow finished, the music was still going. The group turned behind them to see a large group of zombies violently headbanging.

“Jesus Pillow, you brought the zombies back!” Leon yelled. A rotting head rolled by his foot as he finished his cursing.

Pillow Dodged a swipe from a zombie behind him and landed with his group of co-workers.

“Run!” Pillow yelled.

They all scrambled out the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In order of performance: Aphex Twin – Omgyjya-Switch7   
>  Lindemann – Golden Shower (listen to this band.)  
>  The Hazzards, formerly The Ukes of Hazzard – Gay Boyfriend   
>  Lindemann – Praise Abort (really. listen to this band.)  
>  The Stars – Do You Want to Die Together?  
>  Bjork – Play Dead  
>  Death – Zombie Ritual


End file.
